Steps

Im learning to step forward. I am thankful for the spirit of renewal that my Father has filled me with. Today, my orientee told me that she would have left after this long without a commitment. I was very proud of myself when I said, "Its all in Gods timing." And I actually BELIEVED it with my whole heart instead of just saying it because that is what I am SUPPOSED to say. It was so relieving to know that my head and my heart were in agreement. I still desire it more than I could say and I am no where near the patience level that I need. I know I sound crazy for letting one desire take over my life. But I am really trying to be a woman that not only listens to the Lord, but TRUSTS him. Im trying my best to make sure my desires line up with what GOD desires my life to be, He has my whole world in control. The universe is under his command.

Linda made a good point to me a while back and I ignored it because I didn't like what she said because of my own selfishness. She told me that the Lord could have been keeping me from my desires because James and I may not have been able to build the relationships that we have with the kids if we were focused on a marriage early on. But we have had the AMAZING opportunity to hang out with some AWESOME kids!! I am humbled that the girls look up to me and that they call and text asking for advice. I am humbled that the Lord can use us... and I love it that the Lord has given me someone I love to stand with in front of these kids. I didn't like what Linda said because I was bitter... the devil was in my thoughts..." How dare those kids be in my way." AND that was DEFINITELY satans tricks... because I LOVE those kids and you better not mess with them... momma bear might come out lol But what she told me makes sense.

I got frustrated today because James wanted me to go to greene county with him and I was at work. Here I am wanting to spend time with him so bad I cant stand it.... and he wants to do something and I CANT!!! AGGGHHH... I cant win.... I started to get upset... the devil started poking on me telling me... " well if he wanted to spend time with you, he'd ask on days your off. Your off alot of times he is, he just asked to make you feel better knowing you couldn't go." BUT Praise The LORD.... as the thoughts started invading my mind and I felt my foot come up to step back... I ran to the bathroom and begged the Lord to make my heart and mind clear and help me to understand. 1 step forward.

Most of the time, I would believe those lies and get all torn up. Im not excusing our awful schedules... because I feel like for us to continue to grow together... we have GOT to get it together! I have to work and go to school and I know he has to work... thats life... but there are evenings I am free and were both tired after work yes, I will not excuse my desires to be with him. Standing in the rain last night was one of the most memorable times Ive had with him. Simple...real... cold (haha) but wonderful!

I have had to clean my ears out. Not just my physical ears, but the eyes and ears of my heart and mind. Im getting the fog screen off and trying my best to LISTEN to the Lord and not the devil. I know crazy... Im a Christian... but Ive been listening to the wrong voice?? Yes... as a matter of fact I have been. Im not proud of it. Im truthfully---- horribly ashamed. I am ashamed at my lack of faith in the Lords provisions for my life. Deep down I knew he is taking care of me... but living like I believe it has been a whole different ball game. I want to be a woman who listens when I am told to wait... even when I dont like it. I want to be the woman that when it does come, I want James to be proud that I was patient and allowed him to discern when Gods timing is... because he is TOTALLY worth waiting for. I want to be a woman who the Lord can look down on and smile on when I can praise him for making even my wildest dreams seem dingy compared to his PERFECT plan.

I know that I can wake up tomorrow with the same attitude I did today and get 5 or 6 hours into my day and be ok, then the devil can distract me in a second have me discouraged and then depressed in less than 5 minutes just by a thought. I have to pray and hold on to the promise of knowing the my KING is in control and that nothing can touch me that God hasn't already approved. I am not going to say that I wont be taking any steps backwards... but I am going to fight my hardest to hold on the hand that is holding the whole world knowing that in the end it will be worth the wait.

The arms that hold the universe are holding me tonight, I can rest inside... Its gonna be alright. The voice that calms the raging sea is calling me his child. Ill be still and know hes in control. He will NEVER let me go! I can hope, I can rise, I can stand... He's still got the whole world in His hands!