Messy

Well, today was just ridiculous. Cindy tells me that she has to talk to me about something. OK... so she comes to the church where I am cleaning and pulls me to the nursery to tell me that Chris and Sabrina are engaged. OK... yea, it sucks because yet again Im left standing... but Im taking steps forward these days... and am like whatever... good for them. But come to find out that everyone was keeping it hush hush so that I didn't find out until Cindy talked to me. Apparently this was going on for TWO WEEKS! Well, some important family members were told and everything got confused and people got their feelings hurt. All because they were trying to keep it away from me... OK... I understand and appreciate everyone trying to protect me...but Im a big girl. Ive been hurt before and Ill survive.

What did they think I was going to do, go rip her finger off? ha ha They should know me better than that. I mean, how am I supposed to feel? A little depressed and shocked, is how I feel. But I am happy for them. Im done being jealous of people. Im worried about my own life. Did they want me to be devastated? Im not going to lie... Im a little hurt. Not at Chris or Sabrina... Im hurt at my own impatience and it is hard to not pout and wonder WHY!!!! Why is it not my turn? Why them... Ive waited MUCH longer than they have even known eachother!!I feel like the kindergartner who got cut in front of... "Teacher... SHE CUT!!!" haha But I cant let things consume me like that anymore.

Its just hard because Im weak. This past week, God has given me insight and its almost like a baby learning to walk. I take a step and its wobbly. I take another and Im learning to be strong. But if you walk by the infant real fast, they are going to fall down. I got knocked down today. But I do think I was classy about it. I texted Sabrina and congratulated her. Not out of spite at all... because... good for them! We went to the mall right after I found out, and Cindy wanted me to be all peppy and happy. I hadn't even processed how I felt about all this. I needed to figure out how I was going to react. It doesn't help thinking about Tuesday morning when my mom texted me at 6:30a to tell me my ex got engaged over the weekend. Sure, I could sit down and whine about it... but where does that get me... NOWHERE!!!

I'm ok... it does leave a bitter taste in my mouth and makes my ears burn when Gods answer is wait a little longer my beloved. But I have to accept that. I have to take my steps forward and strengthen myself. Im learning to trust the Lord and LISTEN to him for a change. I dont like the WAIT answer... but I know that when his designed plan for my life unfolds, as Ive posted numerous times this week... it will be worth the wait! Anyone who knows me... knows I dont like to wait.... so PLEASE pray for me. I need strength for when I go to church in the morning and have to face it... I have to face her showing her ring off and I have to face the pity looks... Ive already gotten them today and Im not ready to get them in the morning. I HAVE to be ok with this. Yes, its what I want, but I WILL not let it affect me so that I cant worship my Savior because that is why we are to be at church!

On a lighter note, I just want to say that I love James. I forgot about all the mess while we were bowling with the kids. He put his arm around me and all my fears melted away. I know he loves me, its just nice to be shown.