WOW

I am incredibly happy! I never knew that peace could bring such happiness! I didn't realize that I was so miserable.

I hit an all time low within myself over the weekend. I dont know what triggered it, but 2 years of misery (brought on by my own devices) came to a point that I couldn't handle. Friday night, I sat on my couch and cried to the point of hysterics. I had thoughts of running my car off a cliff somewhere. I sat and cried out to God half in pleading, half in anger. I asked God how someone could want something so bad... Pray for something so long... and hear nothing from God! I was angry that God obviously didnt care about what I wanted. I went to bed and got up Saturday and tried to put my smile on. No matter how hard I tried... I couldn't. I couldnt bear the weight of pretending anymore. Linda and Cindy sat me down, they knew what to say. I am soooo blessed to have Christian women to look to.

But did I listen?? NOPE... I went to hardees with James and tried to get over it. I dont know what made me call him back... but I did. But my heart took over. And I finally got the answers I needed. I cant describe the weight that has been lifted from me. I had forgotten why I actually wanted to be engaged and married to this wonderful person. I knew it was what I wanted... but I let everyone elses opinions interfere. I was reminded that I am so desperately in love with this man! I was reminded that he truly is seeking Gods will (which is what I should have been doing all along with him.) I had a major life lesson. I HAVE to be quiet and let God do the job!

I cant tell you just how happy I am knowing that God has delivered an answer to me... it makes it sooooooo much easier to be patient :) Being patient isnt easy for me Im not gonna lie!
I am praying that God makes me the woman that I need to be to be the wife that I need to be.

In the past 6 months, spending time with James, my thoughts have been CONSUMED with this one thing. But now my thoughts and my heart are at peace.

Having our pictures made Sunday was enjoyable being reminded of how much I love him and never want to hurt or loose him. And as bad as Angie wanted a kiss on the cheek pic AND as easy as it would have been to give in... I am proud of me. We have waited this long for it, I want our first to be our wedding day. And plus one wouldn't be enough lol AND I hate staged kiss pics... they look fake lol!! Call me goofy, but its not easy to pass an opportunity like that, but I dont want MY first kiss (not just with James, but EVER) to be a staged one. Im in this mindset... this is about US and not every other tom, dick, and harry! Worrying about everyone elses opinions is what got me to my breaking point and Im done with that!

I enjoyed spending time Sunday and today with James so much. I dont know if anyone else can tell but, I am completely and entirely content. Yes, I still have 17 days of pure stress... but God is helping me to be satisfied and happy!

Thank you Lord for taking away the "I dont know" that I must have said 1000 times during our conversation... but Im glad that something took over and I found the answers I needed! I know it seems silly that obsessing over something could take your joy for two years... but this did. All my fault too. No one else to blame but me! I am just uber excited to enjoy the in between time I have with James wholeheartedly and look forward to the future!

PS... no more dragging my frustrations out here and dragging anyone else down. Trying this positive thing... maybe James is on to something ;) Good Fruit :)