Trying

Trying to be a good sport and keep my head up. The holidays are tough. I long for the days when I was growing up and there were kids running around and everyone got together and loved each other. Things are so different now. No one talks and its just a mess. I desperately want my own family to start my own traditions with. I have never wanted something like this before. I never thought I wanted a husband or kids for that matter. I was the kids that grew up saying I would NEVER get married or have kids. But now, nothing in this world would make me happier... funny how things change huh? Guess its like asking for tires for Christmas lol


I had hoped that 2011 would be the year... not that its been bad, but I look back on things I dreamt would happen at the beginning of the year and think boy I was foolish to think it was my turn. .I sit here alone on my couch wondering. Wondering if Ill forever be the crazy cat lady lol. Wondering if coming home to an empty house is my fate. Wondering if what I want even matters. Wondering if Ill always be the object of pity from people I know who think Im nuts for sticking in.

Graduation is the highlight of my year! But yet, someone yet again cant just let ME be happy and be happy for ME!!! I know its their loss... but this is a big deal to me... it should be for my dad. Not the, " well I didnt think youd make it" reaction...


But can you blame a girl for wanting her fairytale?? I get so discouraged. It seems like I take a step forward... I get busy and dont think much about it. Then I take three steps back and start thinking... wondering... questioning... I wonder when its "my turn" lol

I know that God has a plan... I just wish that I could make my heart and mind line up and agree on it all...

So nothing profound tonight... probably not my most eloquent blog... just rambling more or less... I really am trying to be a good sport and not whine or get discouraged and just be patient... Im just struggling today :(