I dont want to be the butt of the joke anymore

Sometimes I just dont understand!! Apparently everyone thinks that Im some psycho witch who is so obsessed with getting engaged that I will break their finger off because they get what I want! It almost makes me mad that they think that of me. I haven't done anything to make them think that! Ive made no secret that its what I want but geesh!

Chase and Kayla are engaged. I get so frustrated with all these people Ive had to watch get what they want. I want to stomp my feet and scream.... "Its not fair, what have they done to deserve this!!!" Uggh I mean she was engaged to marry another guys just 3 months ago! Who is she to get it twice! Grrr...

But then I stop and realize that I am thankful that I have been with the same man for 5 years. I am glad that I haven't made up my mind based on a whim. Ive known for 3 years that Ive wanted to marry him. Im thankful that Ive not had to jump from guy to guy.

But it did make me angry this morning. Chelsea had told me last night so I would be prepared. Then Chase showed me a pic of the ring last night. And then this am, the first thing she did was ask, " Are you gonna break my finger." I had decided to be classy and graceful about the situation. So I smiled, said no and congratulations and walked away. Well then during Sunday school we were outside and she was like, " Im still scared your gonna break my finger." I just wanted to ask why she must rub it in my face.

The jokes aren't funny anymore. I just wish people would let it alone. If they realized that every time they bring it up, Satan attacks me! He comes in and makes me doubt everything I know. He makes me mad and makes me start questioning God. Ive endured 3 years of the poking from people and Im sick of it.. its not amusing. I know its not intentional... but I just try not to think about it... but everywhere I turn its in my face.

Im trying to wait gracefully. Im trying to be a woman that is patient. Just when I get on my feet... someone knocks me down.

There are days when I dont think I can take anymore. I sign on to facebook and I see someone else who has been together a year or so getting what they want and I want to scream, "ITS MY TURN... IVE WAITED IN LINE...IVE WAITED LONGER THAN YOU!!!" But then I have to remind myself that God has a plan. I dont understand why he has me in this position. I dont understand why I cant move on with my life. when that is what I want more than anything. But I do know he wont give me more than I can handle... he reminded me of that on the alter tonight.

The devil discouraged me tonight after I got up from the alter. He told me that I was silly for taking this to the alter over and over again. But the Lord reminded me that it will be a part of my testimony to be able to say that I prayed for my future. Satan told me that God didnt care about my wanting a future with James and that it was selfish of me to ask God for it. But GOD reminded me that he knows the desires of my heart and he wants us to let him know what we want. He wants to hear my desires. He, just like a parent wants to do things for his children.


I just want the jokes to stop... Im sick of people telling me to leave James that he cant even commit to buying a car much less commit to a marriage. Im sick of people telling me that I am crazy for sticking with a man who obviously doesnt want me. IM SICK OF IT!! Im sick of the pressure. Not that Im being pressured into wanting a commitment because thats not it or that I am sick of defending James because that is not the case. I would defend him to the death as long as he is right. Im just sick of everyone putting their stinking nose where it doesnt belong! I dont wanna sound mean... but leave me alone... I cant take much more... Im afraid the smile that Ive plastered on my face is not gonna show its self much more. I want to look people in the face and just tell them to SHUT UP!!!

But in my efforts and desire to be classy and waiting gracefully, I will not :) I will smile and pretend that it doesnt bother me. I will squeeze the Lords hand just a little tighter and keep on walking with my head up :)