wishes

Why is it so hard to wait? I dont want to sound like Im telling God how to do his job... but tonight as I sit on my concrete slab of a "porch" I start asking questions. I start questioning why I have to be alone so much. I question why I have to sit and wait and hope that just maybe today I wont have to have dinner alone, I wont have to sit at home by myself, I wont have to be lonely.

I wonder how long I have to listen to people joke about something that I want more than my next breath sometimes. I know they mean no harm, but it makes me wonder when people say the things they say in fun. I wonder how many times my heart has to take a blow when I see someone elses dreams falling in their laps, while I sit here and wait desperately. I question... what have a dont to deserve this... whats wrong with... ME.

I know God certainly has a plan... I know he doesnt sit in heaven and think of ways to make me miserable. He knows my hearts desire is to have a family. One that I can come home to and take care of, count on, spend time with, to hear the sounds of laughing, to have a shoulder to cry on when work becomes too much instead of a cold pillow. My job is emotionally exhausting... and coming home to an empty house is beginning to get the best of me.

I get mad at myself for these feelings. I am better than that... I know God has a plan. I dont want to be impatient... I want to be the woman who stands still and waits on the Lord. I know that God is the only reason I have been able to stand thus far... because honestly before camp I was ready to walk away. Not out of lack of love... just plain impatience.

The lady who was cooking at came up to me and told me she needed to tell me something. She said that James and I sounded like angels singing and then she told me the thing that has stuck with me. She told me that God wanted her to tell me that God has had and has a great ministry for me and James and that she would be praying for us. And no sooner than we could get out of the church... we got to sit down with one of our kids that typically doesnt show emotion. For and hour and a half, we got to sit with him and counsel and share what we went through together. I was awestruck. Something that shook my world and mistakes I made... finally got to be used! It doesnt make it ok... but it made me realize that everything happens for a reason. It made me want to keep holding on. And even thought my desires for my future are so strong that I sit and cry out to God in desperation, I know that God has a purpose. Getting to sit with James and talk to a hurting young person did my soul good. It was Gods way of shining a little light in my heart and letting me know that God designed him just for me. Even down to the little things like socks at night ;)

I dont understand the wait... I dont understand my frustration... I dont understand. I do understand that God gave me a man that loves the Lord and loves me. I just have to put trust in knowing that God will not give me more than I can handle... and he will not make me wait longer than I can stand. (even though it feels like I cant wait anymore sometimes) I am proud that when teenage girls at camp came up to me and said that they want a relationship like ours. They want a guy to respect them enough to wait to kiss them and expect nothing else from them. I am proud that when they look at me and say, "your crazy for waiting on him." I can say that #1 I am crazy in love ;) and #2 God has given me a prize. I certainly am the one who got the better deal. James really got the short (no pun intended) end of the stick. He got a broken, spastic, talkative, genetically predisposed to be crazy kinda girl. It would be foolish of me to throw such a prize away.


And No, its not easy...it stinks when I am sitting home alone wishing that it was different... but God will help me through and I will be a stronger woman, wife, and mother one day. I just need prayers to get me through