Starting to understand

Turn off the alarm, stumble to the coffee pot, get myself ready, feed the cats breakfast, and drive to the hospital. My morning routine is always the same. I could probably get through it with my eyes shut and, truth be told, many mornings I do. Except for the part where I'm driving of course. Ha ha

Upon entering the hospital, I begin another routine. Five phone lines incessantly ring while patients call out impatiently. Blood to be drawn, blood pressures to take, showers and baths to give and nurses to make happy. Appointments are made, changed and canceled, all the while I smile with a cheery attitude. After all, I am thankful to have work to do and work that I love!

Anyone paying attention might think my life has been reduced to unending days of "always the same." That may be the case for now, but the reality is this time of sameness is simply one chapter in my life story.

Just as other life chapters have ended, this chapter will also end at some point, and God will turn the page beginning a new chapter with daily challenges of its own.

The chapter I have been in is a dark one. A hopeless, disgusted, depressed, angry, destructive chapter. I am seeing the silver lining... the Lord has been chipping away at this 6 month rut I have been in.

When I think about my different life chapters, I'm reminded to pray Psalm 31:14-15 over each of them: "But I trusted in thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my God. My times are in thy hand: deliver me from the hand of mine enemies, and from them that persecute me"

It's so important for me to remember that my heavenly Father has ordained my days, even my "always the same" days for my good and His glory. While I might see them as mundane, boring, frustrating or even miserable, the Lord can use the circumstances of these days to transform me into a clear reflection of Him.

In the midst of my circumstances lately I have craved change, I have longed for attention. I want security of a future and that what I want is what he wants. I want things to change... I want to know that he isn't going anywhere, and I want him to know that Im not going anywhere. All I know to do is write. So anyone reading, can click off or keep reading... Im probably rambling. I have no one to talk to who doesnt want to pass judgmental advice. I want to talk to him about it, but the little time I get with him is precious and I always just want to enjoy being with him.

I know that I have been incredibly blessed with a man who loves the Lord, and I know loves me. A man who is honest, caring, hard working, and genuine. A man whose heart I adore. I am in awe that when he looks at me, I know that he loves me. And I love him with my whole heart. I know that he is everything in a man that I want. He is a man that I want to spend my life with and raise a family with and grow old with... but then my mind and heart say... then why is it not happening? Whats wrong with you that he cant spend more than a couple hours with you? Whats wrong that he cant commit to more than a Sunday afternoon lunch. What is wrong with you? There has to be something! And in my heart of hearts I know he doesn't think that way... thats just female hormones telling and the devil telling me that he doesn't love me. He knows that is the biggest way to get me discouraged is to come at me with my job, parents, and James.

But I can rest in the One who never changes. Hebrews 13:8 tells us-Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

The One who knows me best and loves me most is present to provide everything I need to continue on until He changes my circumstances.

Father God, You know how bad I want things to change in my life. You know the desires of my heart. You know I am lonely, and that my heart is somewhat broken. You know what every scar on my heart is from. You know how I long to have someone I love by my side every day and not just a couple hours a week. You know my desire to be wanted and needed as much as I need and want him.

Father, you know how lonely I am. You know how I feel when I need to vent, and would love to have someone else at home. Someone who would at least be worried if I didn't come home. I love my family, but the distance and state of our relationship, leaves me without a family here. I think I desire starting my own family because the lack of companionship that I have here.

You know the pain that I have felt by feeling that I am not good enough and that something is wrong with me or things would be different. You know that sometimes I get overwhelmed by life's circumstances. You know that I am envious to a major fault of my friends who have what I desire. You know that I haven't been able to pray for them because of my envy.

You know that I have fallen into a pit of depression, where most days I have to force myself to get out of bed so that I can pay my bills and have a place to sleep. You know that this has taken over my life and eaten me alive. You know that I have cried, screamed, talked, and mostly cried. You know every thought that has crossed my mind. Even those that wonder if anyone would miss me if I didn't wake up. You know I dont understand how one thing could have gotten me so down. I thank you for opening my eyes, that my happiness is found in you and the rest is a bonus.

Lord, I know envy is wrong. I pray that you help me to continue to see that you have a perfect time for me and James. Help me to not get two steps ahead of you. Beside you is where I am found in perfect step with you, and thats where I want to be.

I thank You that You are my faithful Rock on which I can rely. I choose to place my confidence in You and ask You to help me persevere so I can receive what you have promised me no matter what my days look like. I know that you have promised me a husband and someone to come home to. And I choose to trust you. I know that I am going to have days when I am frustrated and completely agitated with the situation and the answer... WAIT. Lord I ask for your grace to remind me that you have a plan and no matter how bad I hurt... help me to trust your plan for me. Your truly perfect and wonderful design for my life!!!