Oi

OI... Today is one of those days where I am fighting to stand my ground and not step backwards. This is going to be much harder than I thought. I think where I am so mentally and emotionally exhausted... Im an easy target. Its like a sick joke some days. Where everywhere I turn things are rubbed in my face. Yesterday was tough and then being asked to help with the wedding was the kick in the stomach I did not need. It was nothing personal, I just cant deal with it. I am going, but my mind is still trying to process and grip this patience thing and keeping my footing, I had to say no.

Its bad because when I said respectfully said I couldn't, everyone was looking at me like, "poor Crystal, shes so jealous that she cant help make her day happy." NO WAY JOSE!! I am NOT envious of their situation at all... I would not want to throw it all together and try and make everything work so quickly. I would rather take my time and finish getting to know each other. I feel bad, but I know what is right for me. I dont need something else to make me feel impatient...and I know Im probably being silly, but I would rather go and enjoy the wedding than be a part of it and be miserable because of my own inner feelings.

I am thankful for the time I have had to fall in love with James over and over. Even days when I dont like him... I love him. Because everyone has those days (im SURE there are days he doesn't *like* me either haha) We've had time to go through all that. But each to their own. I am on the other hand scratching my head and asking, "OK, Lord... I dont understand. Why dont they have to wait like we have? Why do they get so much time together and we barely see each other at all?" All these feelings swirling around are about to drive me CRAZY!!!!

I am having to hold my head up and PRAY PRAY PRAY... for me, for James. Its odd that something can consume your every thought some days. But it does for me some days. Some days are better than others... the last two... not so much. But as Ive stated over and over to myself... I'm holding on to the one who has all my "I dont knows" and my desire to control it all in his hands. He knows how bad I dont want to be lonely. He knows how much I long to spend time with James. He knows exactly how I feel when I am barely standing and I want to get impatient! He knows exactly what I need. He knows my struggles... he knows my HEART!!!

In his timing all the fears will be put in their place and peace will be delivered. He knows just how much of this longing I can take. I trust him... even though evenings like this hurt, when I get off and desperately just want to sit and have dinner with him or just sit together and talk. Some days I just dont want to come home and be alone. GOD KNOWS... and that is enough to keep my heart content and focused. Because I want to stay focused on him and know that his plans for me are best... even though I have to wait for them.

Another step forward for me today in choosing not to be persuaded into impatience that prohibits me from praying. I chose not to get angry about it all... and be prayerful that God delivers peace and answers in his timing! A wobbly step today... but my steps will grow stronger as the days go and I will be a better-stronger woman in the end! A wobbly step is a step nonetheless!