Reflection

God uses His people as messengers of hope to those in need. Every dark storm I have been through is chronicled by someone God sent to help me through it.

The past 4 years I have experienced things I never thought I would!

*Moving away from everything Id known for the 18 years I was alive. Learning to survive on my own with no support.

*Moving in with an alcoholic who changed my life much more than I changed hers and is now my best friend. Many many nights as I drove out to go get her from a party, mixed with my sleepiness, was this desire to see her change her self.

*Moving away an falling in love with my better half. After a hard break up for me, God brought the calming and healing presence of James into my life. God used James to rescue me from my bitterness that I had toward men and really even God himself. I wanted to run the other direction away from the way I was raised and be just like the other college girls. But God had a greater yes, and chose to let me fall in love with a man who makes me want to be a better person.

Someone caring, sensitive, who appreciates me, talented, brilliant, who loves me in spite of me, who realizes I am not perfect and doesn't expect me to be, someone whose presence puts me at ease, someone who the very though of makes my heart jump and brings a smile to my face. Someone whose heart is compassionate and not bitter. Someone who keeps me accountable and who isn't afraid to call me out and be honest with me. Someone who isn't perfect... because I am not perfect... and I dont have to try to be. Someone I am completely comfortable with. Someone I am uncontrollably... undoubtedly... unconditionally... irresistibly... uncontainably... overwhelmingly... and intensely in love with. Someone God designed just for me. Someone people search their entire lives for and never find. I am overwhelmingly blessed to be loved by and get to love such a man.

*Battling with Nursing school. Wanting to quit because it is hard. Then realizing that this is what God has called me to do and I will fight for it!

*Loosing the woman who practically raised me and who I often say is responsible for helping shape me into the woman I am today. I didn't let myself truly feel how much her passing hurt me until the past 4 or 5 months. I have realized just how much I want her presence in my life to see how well I am doing. She was the glue that held my family together and when she left... we all drifted apart. She would have grabbed my dad and straight up told him to get over it. Ha ha she was my biggest fan! No one bothered me as long as she was around but she wasn't afraid to discipline me either. I have her attitude!! I wanted her to meet James and see how wonderful he is. She would have loved him! I wanted her to see me graduate college. She was always so proud that I was the first female in the family to make it out of Madison county and do something with my life. But I wouldn't have her back the way she was for no amount of money. I know she is in heaven pain free and rejoicing. How could we ask her to leave that for this?

*Relapsing with my eating disorder at 18. The Lord used James also to help me see that I am beautiful because of Christ in side of me, and not my physical appearance. I look back a see that I would go days without eating and running 7 plus miles a day. I wonder what was going through my head? And even more, what was going on in my heart? Some people would say, dont look back, but looking back reminds me of what Jesus saved me from because the prayers of those that loved me. Without those I probably would not be here. Anorexia is a disease that kills and I am so thankful that I am healthy. I struggle every day, and still have bouts of binging and purging. But I am reminded that for the same reasons that I gained weight to be healthy, I have to loose weight to be healthy. Balance is hard in a person that has an eating disorder. But Christ is my balance, and I know I have many prayer warriors in my corner rooting for my health!

*Loosing the relationship with my parents for a while is totally my fault. I lost sight of the Lord and I let go of his hand. I lied to every one that I know and love. And its a wonder I didn't loose everything and everyone. James had every right to leave and never look back, and I am grateful each and every day that he stuck with me. My parents on the other hand are a different story. They have accepted my mistakes and my mom has forgiven me. But my dad is still yet to forgive. He still throws little jabs at me constantly when I visit (which is one of the reasons I dont often.) And for someone who was a daddies girl through and through... I sit alone and cry at night because I want that relationship back.

But because of my choices I have had to pay the consequences. Thankfully I have the forgiveness of my heavenly father, and I pray for my dad every day that God will show him and allow his heart to forgive me. I guess I can understand because in my families eyes I could do no wrong. I was a "good kid" as far as they knew. They never saw or heard of the things I did and said when I was away from them. They had elevated me on a pedestal. Ive learned that you cant do that with people because when they fall your world is rocked because you thought the sun rose and set in them. We have to realize that as James often has reminded me... people are human.

*Coming to a place financially that sometimes I wondered how the lights would stay on, rent would be paid, and whether I would be able to finish college! But God made a way!!!! He provided a job that more than pays my bills and I am grateful for every single day!!! I get to be a light and take care of patients that touch my life! What more could I ask for!?!? AND He also provided a scholarship that pays for everything and gives me money to boot! And... to make it even better, without that money right now, I would not have had enough money to even pay my rent this month!! Now you tell me that God doesn't exist!!!

*I came to a place of despair in my heart, where I was serving the Lord out of duty and not the willingness of my heart. I became wrapped up in what MY dreams were for myself and not what HIS dreams are for me.

Ive cried out to God for help in all these situations. Sometimes sooner and sometimes later but, He heard my cry and sent helpers.

I can imagine God sounding the alarm in heaven when we pray for His help: the angels standing to attention ready for their ministering orders. "Attention...we have a child that needs help!!!" And the Holy Spirit quickly nudging people in the path of the needy child with urgency and direction. The ones who have become accustomed to obeying the Holy Spirit's leading quickly follow and run to help.

When I was going through my hardships, my help came in various forms through different people. Every act of grace was needed and got me through my darkest of days.

In the Bible, there are many examples of people who helped serve others faithfully. In Acts 6, we read that Stephen, a man who was martyred, was chosen to serve tables! In Acts 9, Dorcas was full of good and charitable deeds. In Exodus 17, Hur held Moses' arm up and the battle was won. These are just a few of the servants mentioned in the Word who helped others.

God watches the servants' hearts that follow the call and sacrifice for the needs of others, and He is well pleased. I believe all of Heaven watches and applauds the one who carries out God's assignments. God commands everyone to serve others, but not everyone moves to action when nudged by Him.

Everyone has different abilities to help with - never underestimate what your ability is. God created you to use your ability for His glory for His people. Many people are going through hardships today. There are people in need living next door to you, working with you, going to church with you. Strangers that you meet and even your own family may be those who need help.

God's words tell us to be constantly alert for what God wants us to do. It is required that we show love in action - not just in our words, but in deeds and in truth. When we wake in the morning, let's ask the Lord to help us hear His voice more clearly, to have spiritual eyes to see, and to give us His ability to carry out the mission He has for us this day.

I will be forever grateful for all the grace given to me. After this , I see the urgency to keep my eyes open to God's call to helping daily. Can you imagine what the world would look like if we all obeyed the call to serve others daily?

Father God, I want to be faithful when You call me to help someone. Help my spiritual eyes and ears to become more acutely in tune with Your leading. Help me not to be so controlled by my own plans that I miss Your assignments.