deleted blogs

Ok.. well... my blog decided to spontaneously delete some posts. I did have them backed up on a syndicated website so I am in the process of getting the back... they just wont be posted in order. o well :) I *think* one should be reposted with this entry... not sure this web adress editing stuff is tough :P O well... hopefully there is a post attached to this who knows.











Jun 22, 2009 11:40 AMnot surefrom One Roses Beauty by Crystal
Im not sure if I should even begin to blog for fear that it might turn in to a complaining-woe-is-me session. But I have to get some thoughts down and out of my head. Its not going to solve anything, but I have to get them out. SOoOoOoO---- you have been warned! This blog is my poor me, lifes kicking my butt, I am depressed blog. Feel free not to read :)

From the co-signer issue to my landlord cashing the check... my aparment situation has been one thing after the next. I think its ironing out... but my neighbor and I are about to clash. He thinks that he is the next big rap star and when he isnt rapping... the radio or the TV is. I was trying to sleep last night and they were having relay races upstairs!! I miss living in the country so bad. Going to fall branch last weekend and then going to NC this weekend has made me want to be back in the country so bad. Its not feasible for me right now, or I would find a house in the country by myself. The room mate thing is weird. I loved living with Vikki, but with sara... its different. She is an off to herself person and doesnt want to go out or anything. I just want to live with someone I can talk to and go out with. Its just lonely at home.

Work... well I better not get started... but Im going to. I have busted my butt for a year on teh aquatic program. Vikki and I bulit the program from the ground up. So naturally, when Vikki moved I was the next in line for the director position. But no... it was given to a girl who has been here a month who has no experience... and she is already driving what I worked so hard for into the ground. It is frustrating because the position pays better than my current one, and right now since I am scraping pennies together to make ends meet and still coming up short... that would be a welcomed benefit. The thing that irritates me is the girl who got the job has no financial worries at all. Her parents pay for everything and this is just spending money for her... I need it to pay bills. And now everyone still thinks that I am in charge so I get all the calls... and its like pouring salt in the open wounds.

I broke my toe at work last week and it is KILLING ME!

Dad... well Ive came to realize that we will always butt heads. He signed the truck ownership to me on friday and I got my insurance taken care of. I just wish that we could get along.

I am lonely. I never see James, and when I do its 15 min here and there at church or at a funeral, and then Im sharing him with everyone else. I get mabey and hour on Sunday afternoons. It leaves me wondering what Ive done wrong or why he doesnt want to spend time together. We used to see eachother outside of church, but in the last year or so... things are different. I am so tired of plastering a fake smile on my face when people say things like, "there sits a happy couple" and sure Im happy... Im not miserable when Im with him (the limited/shared amount of time it is) I just feel like were so distant because we never spend time together like we used to and sometimes its like hes even afraid to touch me.

I know life is busy, but it was busy when we first met. My best friend in the world just moved away and he should be there stepping up... but hes not. Im the kind of person that when something bothers me... I keep i t to myself... blame that one on my dad. I was raised that you keep your feelings to yourself and smile like nothing is wrong. But I am to the point that I am so lonely... that things have to change. I cant expect them to change when he has no clue that I am upset. So, I have to do something I hate... talk about how I feel YUCK! But I know that its a part of life. I want things to get better... I dont want to loose what we have because no one could ever come close to making me feel the way that he does.

I need a break... I cant tell you t he last thing that I done that was fun. But since all my friends have moved away to get married, do internships, or travel the world, James is *busy* all the time, and I have no family here... Theres no fun in going shopping, going to the lake, going out... alone. I basically go to work and go home and go to sleep. Ive been living vicariously through facebook pictures of everyones vacation, cook outs, weddings, and baby births.

Ok... enough woe-is-me... if you read it... thanx for listening. Back to work now