Cant believe this is happening.

I have had the most horrific weekend thus far. I knew something was up when I talked to mom on my way home, she just had a different tone. When I got home, my parents and I were going to get something to eat and my dad said to stop at my grandparents house. I stop, thinking all is well. Things were not well.

I go in and they all are sitting there and they tell me to sit down. It basically all came down to, I have to move home to NC or they will not pay for me to go to school in the fall. Im sorry but I have to say NO! Trying to manipulate me and give me ultimatums are NOT the way to get what you want. I have agreed that I need to visit more, and I will be because I dont work any more weekends! But as always, nothing I have ever done has ever been good enough for my family. Unless I am sitting at home and holding their hands, they arent happy with me. No one in my family has ever left madison county and have no idea that there is indeed life outside the state line. Im sorry I am getting to do something that they always wanted to do. But for once can they not be happy that I am doing well for myself. I may not have everything I want, but I have everything I need!

It really upsets me, because and I dont mean to toot my own horn, but I consider myself a good person. If they saw half of what I COULD be in to, o my! But if Im not in class or at work, Im with the church. My life isn't that interesting! Im an introvert that would rather just eat and home and rent a movie with someone any day as opposed to going out.

So, I guess I got the clarification on what to do about the scholarship with MSHA. I have everything filled out, I just never would send it in. Now, I guess I have to.

James was so sweet, he just listened, and I really just needed someone to listen to me. Last night I was so upset and hurt that all I could do was cry. I wanted to be angry and I couln't be. Now I am frustrated and on the verge of anger and I want to cry and cant. I wanted to call him so bad at 3am but I didnt because I knew he had to work today and he needed to rest, so I called Vikki.

I am so glad that God doesn't base his love and support on what we can do for him. He mercifully loves us anyway. Im not saying that my parents dont love me, its just really hard. It seems like they can not stand for me to be happy and have my own life. I am not 12 years old. I am almost 21 and I think I have done well for myself thus far. I have paid for everything but school and I can do that to!

I am so angry with mom. She was ok with me moving ot my new apartment and all that and so were my grandparents. But as soon as dad said no, the whole family turned on me. Why for once can someone not stick up for me!! Its been this way ever since I was little. I would ask my mom if I could go do something and she would say yes and I would go to clear it with dad, he would say no and IMMEDIATELY she would flip sides and say no and never fight for me!! Im sorry, as much as I love James... I could never be in a relationship like my parents. Mom gives her paycheck to him and he gives her a small $40 a week of it! She clears every little moment of her life with him! She has NO freedom at all and thats what hes trying to do to me. Manipulate me to get what he wants. AINT GONNA HAPPEN!

So here are my plans for the next few days. I am staying in NC ONLY because its mothers day weekend and as angry as I am with mom, I am staying out of respect to her. But as soon as we eat lunch and I see my grandparents, Im heading to JC as fast as I can! I am going to church and staying at a friends apartment. Monday morning, I am getting up and going to knoxville to stay with Vikki and Daniel (they have my cat :) ) and then I am coming back on Wednesday to go to church and hopefully start moving into my new place. And basically just spending time with people who arent going to manipulate me! Im sorry about my ranting... Ive finally gotten to the point where I am angry!