stagnant

Ok, So here lately I am just bored and looking for something new. Im not sure why. I generally like things be the same day in and day out, but this time I just want some change. I mean I know that I am moving in 2 weeks and moving in with a friend, I just cant put my finger on it.

Work is interesting... I was told this week that as of august, the aquatics program I help operate (and pay my bills with) will be terminated. And I was only given 12 hours a week working at the door. I cant pay rent with that, much less all my other bills. SO now I am in search of a new job. I really dont want to because I love the pool part of my job. But then again as James has told me, " Somtimes God just plucks you out by your feet when he wants you to move." And honestly I feel like its time for me to move on. I am just scared because I need a new job because I have to pay rent and that scares me that I might not be able to.


Church is very sad right now. So many people have left the church and those who are left seem to be giving up. I want so bad to see things work out and I know that all things work together for good for those who love God. Its just so sad to see 5 kids in the choir and to be sitting on a pew alone and have quite a few other empty pews around me, its sad that there was only Mike and myself in Sunday school so we went to the teens class and there was 2 in there plus James,myself, and mike. But I truly believe until the congregation comes to one mind and one accord and stops whispering about things that have happened, lick our wounds and move on... things will not get better. It breaks my heart to see everyone walking around with their head hung low and wearing a frown. The election came and went, the split has happened... whether or not we agree with it.... it over... lets move on. Im sorry if I sound harsh. Max Lucado said in a book I read,"If you lie in the stench of your pain you will begin to smell like it." We need to carry on for God. He will send us a pastor in his time. He may bring some of those who left back and he may bring us new people. We have no way of knowing, but I know that my God holds tomorrow and he isn't going to let us fall.

I am really scared. I need to say this. Fear isn't an emotion I am used to. I am a person who only has a few people in my life that I am close to. I had one other friend that just out of nowhere decided to make other friends so that kinda stinks to. I really can only think of 2 people that I can trust whole heartedly and confide in.

#1 is my room mate. She is moving away in 2 weeks, going to Europe, then getting married. We have been room mates for 3 years. We were randomly assigned to live together in the dorms and truthfully there could not be 2 more different people. BUT... God has used us both in each others life. She has taught me to live and not be so uptight (which I still get in my ruts) and God has allowed me to witness to her. But honestly as crazy as we drive each other she is my best friend. And with her moving to Karnes and getting married, I know that we wont be as close as were are now.

#2 is James and I must say I am scared about him possibly leaving for vet school. Sometimes he reads my blogs, sometimes he doesn't. I don't know if he'll read this one... it doesn't matter but I have to get this out. I am so bad about keeping how I feel to myself so here goes. I cant sit here and say that I don't want him to go because I know that this is his dream and I would be a terrible person to ask him to give that up and I wont. But then again on my side I get selfish and I say "what about me, what about us?" I don't know what will happen, but I must say that I am terrified.

I think I blame my fear on all the people in my life getting engaged, married, having babies, or moving away. I look and I see the things that I want, and I try and say to myself, "maybe it isn't Gods timing for me to have those things right now." But fleshly I wonder if I will ever have the things I want and it is so heard to have to sit by and wait, not knowing anything about my future. I know that I should be patient, but that is easier said than done. I know I should be happy where God has me, but again easier said than done. I feel very stagnant and just empty.

I think sometimes people forget that I don't have any family here. I dont go home to someone I can talk to or things that need to be picked up, or things needing my attention. I don't go to NC much because my family and I are not close. I am the black sheep of the family, and I hate the judgment that has been passed on me. I didn't do anything but move and try to make something of myself and be where God wants me to be. I don't think that people realize that when I leave them, I go home and am alone. I like "me" time, but nights like tonight I just don't want to be alone. I want to cuddle up on the couch with someone and watch a movie or just sit and talk. Or to be frank... just be held. Cidy, when you gave me a hug tonight and told me that I looked pretty, I cant tell you how much I needed to hear something nice. Like someone appreciated me. I get taken advantage of a lot, and its nice to hear something good or that someone appreciates you and cares about you. Dont just assume that they know. And yes, they may know, but its good to hear it and be shown. I just need to say this, I dont like bribes or exchanges like, "Ill do this to make up for that" Both of these happened to me in the last 2 days and I really dont like it. I guess what Im saying is, I feel under-appreciated and I dont appreciate it ;)

I dont know... I just need something more. I just need some security. Will I ever graduate, will I be able to make rent, will I get married, have kids, will my family ever accept my choices and respect me for them????? So many questions... maybe Im not supposed to know... but I need some answers about some things because I don't know if I can sit here alone and scared much more.

Sorry, Im having a pity party tonight and Im rambling...Im human..and a lonely human... G'night.