Recovery

March is National Eating Disorder Awareness month. There are tons of events going on raising awareness and steps toward prevention are taking place. These events mean a lot to me. But something has been nagging at me. I am active in planning these events and raising awareness. I was at work on Monday posting fliers and what not and I had someone walk up to me and say, "Well looks like if you guys get your own month, your just supporting your habit." I honestly wanted to cry. I asked him why he thought that way listened to his opinion and then had a field day. I told him that I am not advocating eating disorders, but as a recovering victim, I am raising awareness that hopefully someone else doesn't fall into the clutch of this silent, insidious disease. No, there is no physical disease process, but a mental disease process. This individual still did not see the light and left with his ignorant opinion of what the truth of the matter really is.

Nonetheless, We try to have one major event each week of the month and then some smaller events throughout the week. The event for this week was called "THIN." A woman from Kingsport committed suicide a few years ago because of the eating desire to be thin. She was featured in a HBO documentary, shortly before she passed. Her family now is an active force in raising awareness and are partnering with us this month. We hosted a showing of the documentary in the CULP center on Tuesday. Her family were there and it was very eye opening. In the documentary, 6 women and 1 man were in a recovery facility. They were constantly monitored for their food intake, exercise, and if they were bulimic they had a special sitter that stayed with them 24/7. In addition they had counseling everyday both group and individual. They had blind weigh ins every week. I can speak with from experience about anorexia. At my worst, it wasn't about the appearance because I looked like death, it was about the smallest number on the scale. So thats why they had blind weigh ins.

But why I am posting this, I was made acutely aware of just how close to death I had come. These participants of the program told of how no matter how much therapy they felt that they were never thin enough and that they just wanted to die to not have to worry about it. I remember those thoughts. I remember waking up every morning when it started and rushing to the scales to determine what and how much I could eat and how much I would have to exercise to make sure I didn't gain any weight. As I watched this documentary, I cried and cried as I was made more and more aware of just how far I went. James and I were talking last week, what was my thought process, why did I want to be as thin as I could get, why didn't I just look in the mirror and see that death is not a fashionable look? So many questions, no answers. There is little to no research as to why this happens.

I am speaking at an event later this month and I just wanted to post the unedited version of my speech:

Wow...I honestly never thought I'd be standing here telling anyone a recovery story. You see, I struggled with disordered eating and various forms of eating disorders for 3 years and still struggle.

I am now 20 and am recovering.

I say recovering, because I do not believe a person can fully recover from anorexia or bulimia. The mind is always somewhat focused on appearance and on calories and weight. But it gets better.

The last stage I went through was an anorexic stage. I will not list weights, but as I remember flying through all kinds of websites to be triggered, to see if I had yet to become the best anorexic. Yes there are websites that are pro-eating disorders! For some reason, that had become my only priority in life. I never reached emaciation. I did, however, lose considerable weight. I started loosing my hair and my GI system is permanently damaged because of my use of laxatives. I always believed happiness would be found in the goal weight...yet it never was. The goal was always lowered.

At the low point my senior year of high school, I was crash dieting to fit into a one of a kind prom dress. I drank nothing but water and ate about 5 saltine crackers a day for two weeks. I was running at school when I collapsed. I was severely dehydrated and an electrolyte imbalance that would made doctors cringe. People just said that I was, "A teen just trying to get in that dress." Little did they know that it was much worse. I decided that I would find another dress, but I kept going. I got to prom and was with friends and passed out because I hadn't ate or drank in 3 days so I wouldn't have any trouble fitting in my dress. No one knew why I passed out. I kept that to myself. I went to the bathroom at the country club we were at and I saw reflection. And then something clicked. I came to no profound realizations, heard no words of immense wisdom uttered. Something just clicked, and it was the only logical thing my mind had conceived in years:

God created me. That simple. God created me but I had anorexia I was saying, "Listen God. I realize you are perfect and you created me, but this creation is simply not good enough." That cannot be. I have value not because of a number on a scale or a size on a tag but solely because God created me. And nothing I can do will ever add to or detract from that value. I then realized that God CREATED me. Created is an interesting word. Meticulously, carefully, He planned me out. He created me. He knew what He was doing. And in that creation, he gave me free will to choose him. To choose to live! Not to live for a number, but to live for HIM! I was created to do more, to be more. I began therapy with an amazing Godly woman and realized that I am precious in Gods sight and that I am made in his image.

And I began to eat more and exercise less. It was amazing. I realized (though no one could have convinced me of this before) that there is more to life than thinness. And in reality, thinness doesn't matter all that much. Health matters. Happiness matters. Life matters.

You never realize how exhausting years of lying and of being secretive can be until you start telling the truth. Nothing is ever freeing. Anorexia and bulimia have ties so unbelievably strong that nothing makes you feel freer than breaking them.

It is not that I ever felt thin enough. I believe I would have died before that ever happened. It is that I finally felt good enough - good enough to live a life without the fear of a machine and it's opinion of me - the scale and it's numbers.

I hurt for everyone of you still entangled in this battle. It saddens me deeply. You all have so much to live for, yet you are willing to lose it to an unidentifiable and unobtainable goal. You have the strength within you to beat this. And you will NEVER feel such immense freedom and happiness until you do. For those who just know someone with an eating disorder, don't lecture them. They don't need lectures. They know in the deepest most secret part of their heart that its wrong, its not natural. But its a mental battle. Show them love. Show them that you care and are concerned. Offer to get them help. Some people will have to have an intervention and be forced into getting help. 9 times out of 10, if you just show support and just be there for them, you will get a response. Everyone wants a shot at a normal life not dominated by thoughts of dying.

It has been an incredibly long road filled with many, many ups and downs, victories and relapses, shattered relationships, hope and triumph. For the first time in my life I feel alive and well. I am eating healthily and not purging, but more importantly I am learning to love the person I am. Each day is a struggle, but I am fighting this battle with all the strength that I have. I have dreams and ambitions that are beginning to mean more to me than the number on the scale. I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am and who want me to succeed. This horrible illness has shattered my life in so many ways, but I am putting it back together one piece, one baby step at a time. With the help of my therapist, friends, family, and most importantly GOD! I am starting to see the light that has been waiting for me at the end of the tunnel for so long. I am setting myself free, learning from the past, and looking to the future. The hopelessness I once felt has slowly faded away, replaced by my newly found strength, passion, and will to live.