Because he loves me

Last night we were singing "because he loved me" in the choir. And Im going to be honest, to me it was one of those songs that we sing all the time and someone always gets a blessing. But I had never taken one part of it to heart. I had always loved the part that said, "Now I am his, and he is mine."

But last night, the part that said "Because he loved me my savior died." I thought I was going to burst the first time we sang it, but I decided to stay in the choir. See I went into work at 6:30 yesterday morning. I had to leave around 12 to go look at some apartments with my new room mate. But I had to be back by 3 and was supposed to work till 11. I was so frustrated number one because I had to work. But number two, almost every apartment in JC will not rent to full time students. Something about the IRS or some nonsense like that. So, I go back to work discouraged and frustrated about even having to be there. Well a bit before 7 I decided to go to the locker room and change in hopes that someone might let me go early because we had an extra staff member (which is rare. So as I am trying to change, my current room mate calls and Im trying to get off the phone so I can put my make up on and all that. Then no sooner than I sat my phone down, James calls. I didn't mind that one because I love his calls. So I talk to him real quick , tell him I dont even know if Ill get to go to church. Well I get off the phone with him about 15 till 7 and someone needs me for swim lesson questions. Ugggh... So I finish up cram my stuff in my locker and go help them. Thankfully they only have 2 questions that I could answer quickly. And I sit down at the register to sign them up and my supervisor comes by and tells me to leave that I had been there all day and everyone voted that I could leave. So, I get in my truck and head to church... I really just wanted to go home. Boy, Im glad I didn't!!

The second time we sang that song, I thought if I didn't go to the alter I would loose it. Its been one of those weeks where God has been seemingly silent. I felt so far away and I found myself thinking old thoughts and just getting complacent. Ive been slacking in my devotion time, my quiet time, and my prayer time. I felt like the lowest of all Gods children. At a time in my church's journey when so many things need to be prayed about and here I am in my own little world not seeking God for the behalf of my church and the hurting people inside the body. To those of you in that body who are readers... I am sorry. And know that I am now on board and you have my prayers.

I felt so low,Because he loved me my savior died!! Had I been the only one... he would still had chosen that awful fate. I was telling God, "you loved me, and here I am not praising you, not praying, no searching your word." And my excuse... Nursing school and work. Lord forgive me!!! He loved me enough to die and here I am spitting in his face. Choosing to do my own thing and be in my world and not doing what he wants.

I very rarely say anything in church, but as Paul was testifying I could not sit still. I thought I was going to bust at the seams. Here I sat... I originally just wanted to go home. When Jerry took the pulpit and said he wasn't even going to open his Bible, I thought to myself, "yes, Im going to get to go see James, go home, get something to eat, and go to bed. Boy this was a waste of time getting ready for." BOY WAS I WRONG!! I always feel like a goober when I say anything in church but I know thats the devil... and I wouldn't trade that feeling before and after for anything. Its a miserable feeling before. Do you say something or do you stay silent. Will it fuel the service or will it quench it. I think that we need to use discernment more in service than we do. Just "Be still."

Its funny, my headline on my cell phone says, "Be still." And you know I am rarely still. I can't help it... I always fidgeted as a kid and I still do. Sometimes Im afraid I distract people in church because I fidget. But I have never been in a service like that one last night. Just everyone praying and praising. It was great!!

Now I am going to request prayer. I have a LOT of decisions to make with school (scholarship choices), living arrangements, and so on. I would like you to help me to pray for discernment. I have never been in a church where the pastor has left and a new election is approaching. I have no idea how it works, but I do know that I as a member of the body have to choose. Ill go ahead and say that I am a fence rider with it right now. I'm not ashamed of that. I know that I have to discern in my heart what it right as does each and ever member of the church. I feel so rotten that I haven't been discerning this before now. Ive been a crowd follower. Please help me pray for discernment in all these areas.

WOWZA... this was a LONG one... hehe guess thats what I get for not writing in a while. I have another one on my mind, Im still working on the first draft so be patient.... this one Ive just been spilling words, I normally take time to construct better sentences and grammar and all that jazz... I just needed to overflow this morning... what an awesome God I serve!