scary time for me...

Ok, so here lately I am going back to a scary part of my life. When I get stressed is when a very scary part of my life returns. As Ive mentioned in blogs prior, I have dealt with an eating disorder since about my sophmore year in high school. When I get stressed I tend to not eat. Its starts out as an absent minded change because most of the time I dont even realize Im hungry. Just recently has my stomach even started growling again. But the more stressed I get and the less time I have to eat, I begin to see those few pounds drop that everyone want to see go from themselves, and its back into that psycological trend that I went through in high school that almost destoyed me. I realized last night while talking to James after church that I hadnt eaten since early monday morning. Im not hungry but I need to eat something. So, I go home and I was proud, I ate half a can of spaghetti-os. So, as bad as I dont want to, I think I am going to have to go back to my counselor because I have too much to live for to go through what Ive went through again. I am worth more than that. My counselor is a WONDERFUL christian lady who has just been one of the most influential people in my life through this trial. Other people have been mentors for me, they just dont know it and some of them have wandered astray themselves.

I just want to clear up something, because people think that once you've battled an eating disorder, it just goes away. No... it is a constant battle.

This has been the week not from hell, but from Satan himself. He has been at my door since the alarm went off at 4am monday morning. So heres the rundown of my week so far:

Monday: got to work at 6am. Realized that I forgot my bag that had all of my papers for the annual performance project. So, here I go back to my apartment and get them. Im back at work and the head of the board of directors wants to know if I can give the presentation this week!!! HECK NO was my response. So I am working on some statistical analysis of the surveys and someone comes in and asks me to announce over the intercom that someone in the parking lot driving a black ford ranger with NC tags had a flat tire...crud. Thats me. So in the pouring rain My boss and I go out there and sure enough...its mine. So we get public safety and they pump up my tired enough for me to get to the little place in front of campus. Nail taken out, a plug, and $10 later... Im on my way to campus to fight for parking and *hopefully* make it to class on time. I get to class and I am no longer on the roster. Okay... so I stay through pharmacology and then go to the Bursars office. Ive been purged from my classes. Ok... I wrote a $5000 check to ETSU 2 weeks ago and its cleared my bank account. Come to find out, I was "spontaneously" purged from the system. Which means... I was taken out of my classes, taken off payroll (since Im an ETSU employee/student), and pretty much eliminated from the whole system! I did not exist to ETSU. They had my transcripts but that was about it. So I get all of it taken care of... well most of it. They hold your paycheck 2 weeks when they put you back on payroll, wich I had a panic attack because I was like, I have bills to pay. So I go back to work and explain to them that they need to get the crap in line, and they ended up giving me a $500 stipend to compensate for all my trouble. So, by the time I bought groceries, paid my electric bill, phone, internet, credit card, and bought gas... I am back in square one. So I am still at work and someone doesnt show to teach an Abs class. So ok, Ill do it. I teach, Im really sore. Time to call James... He doesnt answer. This is around 6, so I know hes at work. Leave a message, so I went to bed around 3a

Tuesday: At work at 6a. Guy working out 3 treadmills over from where I was picking up towel, fall face first off treadmill. I immediately respond and realize he isnt conscious. I scream for help from some staff. He has no pulse... I start CPR I broke 3 ribs and nicked his lung (wich is very common in CPR) and a bystander calls 911. No response from him and hes blue as a blueberry. AED gets there and another Nursing student is *supposed to be helping me* she froze. So, I shock him twice before EMS got there and they finally got a rhythm. He coded in route and didnt make it. Ive lost patients before, but this one really affected me. They called an hour later and I was under the impression he was ok. I was not ok when I got this news. I have never been shaken up so bad in my life. I called everyone... no one would answer. Im over it at this point. So I suck it up and go to class. I sit through class, James calls during both of my classes...I cant talk and he doesnt answer when I call him back 10 minuites later. I was frustrated. I go back to my car, only to find that it wont start. Call public safety again. Battery is dead. They jump me off, and off I go to walmart. $90 more later... Im on the go again. I had class 4-7 which was ok. I go back to work, only to find the board of directors there and expecting a presentation. Apparently some of them didn't get the memo that the meeting had to be moved to next week. So, I had 5 really rich,really angry, head honchos on my hand. Got them calmed down and decided to go home and study. I get home and the freezer is standing WIDE OPEN and there is water EVERYWHERE... most everything was still somewhat frozen. I had to throw some stuff away, but was able to salvage most. My ice maker was the culprit for all the water. Ice melts obviously...haha and then the machine kept running, but it couldnt freeze because of the warm air, hence my little mini flood. SO I clean it up, and go to bed around 2am, still havent spoken to James since sunday night.

Wednesday:
At work at 6am...Not as bad, but still not the best. Went to work, not too many problems. Had to fight with the coke company to bring us a functioning machine because our takes money but gives not products and Im tired of having to go unlock it and unjam it for someone to pay $2 for a 20oz of coke. So they agree to bring us a new one, but it will be 3 more weeks. Then patrons start complaining about water temps in the pool and showers. We have no hot water. I call physical plant, they dont belive me. They take 4 hours to come down and test it and THEN decide to fix it. I go to class supposedly 1:40-3, he lets us go at 2... I walked all the way across campus in the wind and rain for a 20 min class. My room mate gave me a ride to work, because I was supposed to work till 5 and then go home and shower for church. So... I walk back to work on the other side of campus and work on my surveys till 4:30 when I have to teach Abs class again. I teach... class is over at 5. Room mate wont answer and didnt show up to get me. I start walking home in shorts and a tshirt as cold as it was... but o well. I finally make it home, I live behind campus about a mile and a half. I am livid of course! (yes sherry, I was angry...he he) I get ready for church even though I really just want to go to bed... I went for the wrong reasons and I was miserable. I just went because I still hadn't heard from James now 3 days later and I just wanted to see if he was still alive. he is... just sick. Go to bed around midnight.

So here we are Thursday am. Came to work around 5am and ran about 3 miles before we opened at 6:30. I know thats crazy sounding... but thats my way of stress relief. I have to be careful though I know. But in turn as I sit here at work writing this I think I am actually hungry. And theres a bagel here with my coffee... So guess its breakfast time. So I pray that today goes swifter. Not too much on the agenda. I have class 9:45-2:05, then I have to come back to work for a little while. I hope to go home for a nap because I am really sleepy. Then back to the gym to teach a tone and sculpt class... and I think a friend and I will have dinner. I dont really want to go home though because my roommate is leaving for Knoxville till Sunday and I dont want to be home alone. I have to work all day tomorrow, no class. And I have to work Saturday to. Church on Sunday and then back to the routine on Monday... it never ends. But my God is an awesome God and I know he will give me grace to endure whatever satan throws at me. Satan may attack my mind and body, but my God brought me to these trials and he WILL bring me through them.