Painful... yet liberating

My 20th birthday! Just let me tell you... I have despised seeing my birthday coming since about my 10th birthday. Why you ask? Because something bad ALWAYS happens. But not this year!!! Finally after 2 years the 3 people in my life that I care the most about were in ONE place and getting along!!! It was absolutely the BEST birthday EVER!!! (possibly, because jewelry was involved... lol I love that man)

I guess I should blog about something that is very painful but liberating . When I met James, I was 16. My friend Amylia tried to set us up then. I was like... NO WAY... he is 25 and my dad will kill me!!! So 2 years later, I move to TN to start college and Amylia took me to church at Faith. I NEVER had intentions of staying in to church. I had been in church my whole life, and at this point I was in the worst part of my anorexia and I was bitter toward God. I blamed God for me not being happy with my self image and turning to starving myself. But anywho, when she took me to church, I just felt God. He wouldn't let me run.

Then that same night, a lady named Cindy came out to the car and said that he thought I was cute and she wanted to get my number. She told me, "He might not even call, but can I please give it to him and see what happens?" I said what the heck and gave it to her. Well, before I even got back to my dorm... mind you... a whole 5 min. he called. He asked me out and I said yes... scared to death!!!! I didn't want to get involved with anyone, because in January of my senior year, my boyfriend had broken up with me and it had just taken a toll on me. I felt that no one could ever love me. I didn't understand why he didn't want to be with me. Was I just so disgusting (mind you I was 120lbs when this happened) that he couldn't stand to look me? What was wrong with me? This is when the anorexia got really bad. I dropped to 92 pounds at 5 feet tall. My hair was falling out and I looked like I was dead. Then God stepped in!!!

So here I am, barely 18... just moved to a new town, living with my room mate who I hated at first (now she is still my best friend), scared about starting college AND on top of it all... a man 9 years older than me just asked me out and I said YES!!! What was I thinking!!!!

2 weeks later, we double dated with a couple at church, Derrick and Marybeth. I couldn't believe how much that I liked him. Inside I thought.. OMG my dad is gonna KILL ME!!! Most of you know, I have always been a daddy's girl... since I'm the only child. So James took me back to the dorm and I couldn't believe how easy he was to talk to. I told him things that I never told my bestest friends. I even told him about my battle with an eating disorder. And to my surprise he was totally supportive and encouraging!! We talked in the lobby of my dorm till 2am!!!

Well that was September 14, 2006. I lost my great-grandmother to cancer in October of that year. The next time that I went to visit my family after the funeral was Thanksgiving. I decided that now was a good time to tell my family that I was dating someone. Ay yi yi!!! It was not good! My dad did something that I never would have thought he would do. He cussed me! I could not believe what I was hearing. He accused me of being pregnant, even though I wear a purity ring. He told me that I was (excuse my french) a selfish bitch for doing this to my family and the accusations and insults went on. He didn't even want to meet James. He said that he had to be pervert for dating someone so young. He didn't even come home from work on Thanksgiving day. So I come back to JC with the intention of breaking up with James. I had called him and told him that we needed to talk. We met at Panera, but when I went to break up with him... I physically could not speak. Every time I tried to open my mouth... no words would come out. The only explanation I have is God. I sat there and cried on the patio with him. I had realized that God had intervened and that I couldn't end things with him. So I told him all that had happened over the Holiday,and he said that we would get through it.

I decided that because I was SO angry with my dad, it was my life that I would do what the #@*! I wanted. Bad choice. I lied and kept secrets from my parents and James for a year and a half. My parents showed up at church one night (mind you they had told me that I couldnt go to church at Faith anymore) and it blew me away. They had figured it out. They had asked my friends, checked my phone records... I had been caught in the web of my sin. I was in the choir when they walked in and I felt sick. They sat in the back and I sat in the front in my usual seat. Tom preached, and if ever a message was meant for me... this was it. I couldn't wait for the alter call. After the service I went home with my parents. We talked and decided that it was best if I became a "real" adult. What does that mean? Up to that point I relied on my parents for everything. SO I decided that it was time for me to grow up. I got a job and I now do everything for myself.

To make an everlasting long story short, my parents and I are ok. I took James home with me and the whole family met him and LOVED him!! On my 20th Birthday, my parents came down and took me and James out to dinner. We went to my favorite place, Cootie Browns (James and I ate there the night I fell in love with him) and My dad essentially just apologized to the both of us for being so stubborn and the awful things that he said to me and about James. It was soooo good to see what God had done. I had prayed for almost 2 years, but when it came down to it, I was so angry with my dad that I didn't want to work things out.

But God had bigger plans. He saw a hurting, broken and scared little girl trying to be a big fish in a big world. He stepped in and gave me a man that made me feel beautiful and special. He knew the adversity that I would face and he paved the way for me to not only begin my recovery from anorexia but to begin to heal my relationship with my family.

Now it is still a daily struggle to not feel disgusting and go back to "fixing" my size. I am doing soooo much better and am back to a healthy weight. I still fight with gosh, I need to trim down... and it doesn't help sometimes that I work in a gym. But the thing I have learned is that I cant diet... I have to eat healthy. I can work out, but in moderation not compulsion. Its hard... I wont lie. I have had to come to a place where I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made and my Savior looks at inward beauty to reflect on outward beauty.

He also gave me a WONDERFUL man to love that I can look into his eyes and know his love is genuine. Unlike guys in the past who just focused on the outside, James sees the inside and still loves me (in spite of my temper sometimes ;) . He tells me I am beautiful, not sexy or hott... I always HATED being called that!! He makes me feel the way that I always wanted to feel about myself and not have an empty feeling inside of me. He has helped me be able t eat in front of people again. I used to have a HARD time and wouldn't eat with people. I thought that they were thinking that I was a pig for eating so much (which was in reality minute portions to begin with). He has changed my life and is certainly a gift from God.

As far as my family, its a work in progress. They love James and that means the world to me. The thing I struggle with is how did they not know? My parents saw me loosing weight and never said ANYTHING! They say now that they worried, but why didnt they say anything!!! Why didn't they get me some help. I still have issues trusting them as they do with me. But God us working and helping me release bitterness so healing can finish. I serve a mighty big GOD!!!

Sometimes I get embarrassed about telling people about my struggle with anorexia and the lies I told. But as the title of this blog sais, it is very painful... but in the end it is liberating. It helps to go back and read something when I begin to feel unloved and disgusting and say "You know what...I am fearfully and wonderfully made and God has brought me through SO much already and he can bring me through this one to!!!"