Peace amidst frustration

God knows your value; He sees your potential. You may not understand everything you are going through right now. But hold your head up high, knowing that God is in control and he has a great plan and purpose for your life. Your dreams may not have turned out exactly as you’d hoped, but the bible says that God’s ways are better and higher than our ways, even when everybody else rejects you, remember, God stands before you with His arms open wide. He always accepts you. He always confirms your value. God sees your two good moves! You are His prized possession. No matter what you go through in life, no matter how many disappointments you suffer, your value in God’s eyes always remains the same. You will always be the apple of His eye. He will never give up on you, so don’t give up on yourself

 

I saw this posted on Facebook tonight in the midst of being so utterly discouraged that I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and never come out. Ive been pushing through the last several weeks out of sheer "Have to". There are so many things that I dont understand that I have found myself just wanting to run away. I want to run away as fast as I can to somewhere I dont know where. Things are changing so fast that I cant seem to get a grip on it all. 

 Dont get me wrong... these are good changes. I am moving out of my condo into my to-be sister in laws house. I am going to be helping buy a house. I am preparing for a marriage that I have been so extremely excited for. But as 2013 has rolled around... and I think... gosh in 4 short months... I will be preparing to get into that dress hanging in my closet and life as I have known it for the last 6 years is over. A new life begins. And to be completely honest... I am scared short of a plane ticket somewhere warm and sunny!!!! But then I am starkly reminded of a man... a man who has my heart. A man who is able to calm my crazy mind down and make me realize that I love him more than I could ever imagine... and running away from his would be the dumbest thing I could do!!

 I just wish I could get rid of this useless feeling. I have never been in a place where things were having to be done for me. I have no where to go to live... James' sister steps up and opens her home to me. I feel like a mooch who cant take care of myself. I know she offered because she wanted too and I am forever grateful. Then this whole house buying process is so frustrating. I hate that I cant qualify for the loan and that everything has to be in his name because of silly mistakes I made and shot my credit. I proof read the contract last night and seeing just his name as the buyer was a kick in the stomach and a harsh reminder that I cant take care of myself. Not to mention the fact that my dream of getting out of this renting nightmare and seeing my name on a home loan was shot to pieces. I can not buy a house by myself if I wanted to... a nursing school graduate... a RN... cannot buy her own home if she wanted to!!!  Yes... I have a little bit of pride! Its so frustrating because I have worked so hard to stand on my own two feet and now I have to rely on someone to help me. I need to feel useful... other than just a paycheck.

NOW with all that said... I know that after its all said and done... my name will be on the deed. It was just alot to process. All this is because I DO NOT want to go back to that person who had to rely on someone to take care of me... my independence is my weakness.... I admit it! I am just  beyond blessed that James doesnt complain about doing all  the leg work. And I know that in the end... He loves me just the same. And thats the only reason I am still sane. I just pray that I accept my lot and do what I can when I can... I just hope something comes along that I can help with.

I have spent 6 years learning to stand on my own two feet. I had to. I had to learn because I was never allowed to think on my own as a child. I was told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. I was never allowed to have my own opinion or own mind! So when I came to TN I had NO CLUE what was happening. I was so unprepared to deal with life. And that is why I know that is one of the MANY reasons God sent me James. When my dad cut me off and burned a bridge between us... I had to buckle down, get feisty, be determined and learn how to make it in the world. And with the help of people in my life and my sheer stubbornness I have learned to be a strong and independent woman. I have done well for myself with the help of the Lord. I am excited that in 4 months I get to marry my best friend.  I have no idea what I would do without his love and support in my life. When no one else in my life has stood beside me... James has been there standing beside me. When nothing makes sense in my life... James has been there making it all make sense. When the time came to celebrate important events in my life... James has been there even when my own dad didnt come.  

I am blessed. I have just got a case of the blues. I have felt like a zero. I have felt like I can do nothing right or useful. I am the kinda person that needs to be needed and wanted. I need to feel useful. But that quote at the very beginning of my post brings it to my attention of something that I have told the kids over and over again... God thinks I am the coolest lol. He has my picture on his refrigerator! He knows my worth and chose to love me in spite of myself! What a God I serve!