Scared to death

So there is this test that I have to pass next week or I will not be allowed to complete the nursing program. Can I just tell you how scared senseless I am. Everything I have worked for... all for one question! The fear of letting myself down pales in comparison of the fear that I will let everyone around me down that is expecting me to graduate! Being a RN is my dream and I am so close I can taste it... and NOW 2 weeks into the semester I am close to loosing it...

I feel like if I fail at this... everything that I want will never come my way.

Today has been tough. My mom loves to tell me every time someone I used to know gets engaged. And even though most days are never good times to tell me this... today REALLY wasn't the time or day to tell me that someone I used to be friends with is getting married. Its hard to see someone who hasnt kept it between the lines so to speak... get things to fall into place. And I'm sorry I'm whining ... I just get so agitated and feel like Im gonna explode because I dont know how to SAY what I think!I dont understand why I cant just lay it all out there... its just a part of me I dont understand. I wish I could make my mouth spit it out...I want to so bad. I want to know... Yes or No. I dont understand how you can want something and have it right in front of you and not go after it....

Im scared that my dreams will never come true and honestly some days finding enough hope to keep me going... well some days I wing it...

I'm not looking for the moon or a mansion. I just want to know that I will always have someone to come home to... not an empty place. I want to know that when I lay down at night... that I'm not alone. I want to wake up every morning to the face of the one I love... not a wall. I just want security, safety, companionship. I dont care if we struggle. I dont care if its hard. I want to work for it. I dont want to be alone. I want to get off work and know that when I come home... someone will be there to dry the tears and calm my fears... and help me sort through my day. I want to take care of a family... do what I was made to do

Right now I just need assurance because right now everything feels so uncertain. I need something to go on...I feel like I am in limbo... and I dont know which way to go. I have been about to burst all day. And as my cat curls up beside me... I just want someone to put their arms around me while I cry and tell me Im gonna be ok. I dont like feeling unimportant. Like a friend told me today... words are just words without actions behind it.