Relief

I love that when I am in the lowest if low places, God is there.

For about 3 months all I could think about was getting into my car and driving as fast and as far away as I could. I felt so un-important. No one needed me no one wanted me so might as well just get out of everyones way. But how is that fair? Its not fair to my room mate, the kids, my church, my job, my family, and James. The accuser had snarled his ugly self at me and I decided to let him convince me that I was worthless. I let him convince me of something that was tearing me apart. He convinced me that James didnt want me. He almost convinced me to walk away from a love that I could never find again. He reminded me of my past and that James wouldnt want damaged goods. He was a good guy, why would he want to be with someone who made so many mistakes and had done so many bad things as a young adult.

Enter Saturday night. We were at lamplight and I was truly enjoying the show. I needed to laugh. Genuinely laugh. As James put his arm around me... something clicked. It was like all the feelings that I had been feeling over the last 3 months were gone. I kept thinking over and over again, " What made me think that this was a joke." How did satan convince me that this man didnt love me? The piter patter in my heart spoke volumes over the voice of my accuser. And as later he took my hand... that stomped satan. I felt like I was worth something. I felt loved...desired.

Then as Billy Wayne took the stage and started talking about the accuser attacking people and making them feel worthless. And that was exactly what had been happening to me. He kept throwing my past in my face and I got trapped up in what I used to be. But God right then and there reminded me that he doesnt remember my past, so why should that define me? It serves as a reminder of what I dont want to go back to. The scars of my past serve as a point of thankfulness that he protected me during those times. Times when I was so high I couldnt tell you my name. Times when I decided not to eat and run a few more miles trying to fit into this box of what I thought I was supposed to be. He protected me during the times I got into cars that I never should have, and he protected me from giving away my virtue to someone who wasnt worth it. He then whispered to me that he was there when I was a little girl and my innocence was stolen, that he was right there with me comforting me. And even though I struggle and ask God why he let it happen to someone who couldnt defend herself, he reminded me that he has a purpose for all things.

And as satan tried to whisper again to me that I was worthless, God showed me my hand in the hand of the love of my lifes. He reminded me that he protected me and that he gave me someone to make me feel worth something. He showed me that walking away from this would be the dumbest thing I could do. I cant tell you what a relief it was to realize that I am loved. I know it sounds silly but after letting satan throw my past at me and almost walking away for no reason... for the first time in 3 months... I felt relief. I felt the weight of deception lifted away. Take that satan... big ole black eye for you!

I love when God steps in and fixes everything :)