Apology

A few days ago I posted about the man I love. I was upset. I was frustrated. I was lonely. And all these emotions came out in a blog that was ugly, hurtful, and made the man I love look like the "bad guy."

Well let me set it straight. James Chatman is the most amazing man in the entire world! I let my emotions get the best of me. He is NOT the bad guy. In fact there isn't a bad bone in his body lol

Tonight as I sat with him on the tail gate (after it broke lol) I realized all over again just how truly in love with this man I am! Not that I forgot... but I let my frustration and impatience get in the way of what I feel. I just love being with this incredible person. And I am amazed that after almost 5 years... he still gives me butterflies. When we leave each other I still dont want to let go. I dont ever want to loose those feelings.

I never thought playing in the dirt, riding in a carriage, or sitting on a broken tail gate and all the simple times with him, would be a safe place for me. But tonight I felt safe. I felt content with the simple things in life. Its not about what your doing... as long as its together. Those moments when he looks at me... I know something that Ive never known before... someone who loves me in spite of me.

I feel for him... haha I know I cant be easy to deal with. Im an emotional disaster most days. I bring along a LOT of baggage of my past that I live with every day. I wake up every morning and have to remind myself that I am NOT damaged goods. Someone took something from me that I can never get back and I had no choice. And now 15 years later I still have to remind myself that it is not my fault. Something I buried for years came back several months ago and made me fall into a place of feeling worthless. I tried to harm myself in every way possible because I felt damaged. I had to forgive a man who is dead so that I can heal myself. I spent years blaming myself for not telling anyone about it all and having justice served. A message on FB and a phone call brought all those feelings back that I spent 15 years running from.

I am a dependent woman in some aspects... I do NOT like being alone. I dont like being alone because I still wake up at night screaming sometimes. I still have the fear of the man walking down the street. Anyone who drives the same type of car makes my heart skip a beat. I know that I cant live in fear and had came to a place of "OK" until I heard her voice on the phone earlier in the year. How can someone KNOW what is going on and do NOTHING! How can she want to talk to me? What could she ever say that would fix the damage that they did to me and my family. After many many prayers I came to a place where I could talk to her and ask for an explanation. She had none. She didn't even have an apology. All she had were excuses and lies. I may have been a young child but I knew everything that was going on. I also knew what no one but us 3 knew. I never said anything to anyone for 15 years! In the last year, I really have began to process it all.

In the last 2 years, I suppose not living with my best friend who was always there has brought some fear. With Sarah, were friends but I spend a lot of nights alone. And for some reason, when its dark, being home alone is the scariest time. I lay awake some nights and wish that someone was here to make me feel safe. I know that ultimately God is in control. I know that I should be able to rest in that. But sometimes just knowing that someone else is in the house is enough to calm me. I lay awake some nights and just pray and pray for God to give James the "Go ahead" so that I never have to lay awake in fear. I know that the terrible person who hurt me cant anymore because he died 10 years ago... but after your safety is challenged... you kind of live in anticipation that something else will happen. And my fear is that just like I wasn't protected then... I wont be protected now because I am here alone.

But as my counselor has reminded me... I am NOT the little girl I was 15 years ago. I am a strong independent woman. I am successful and will continue to be. I am learning that fear has no place where Christ is. I have overcame a lot and I need to keep facing forward. I let all this pain and fear cause me to almost walk away from the man I love. I was honestly on the verge of saying I was done because I was afraid he would hurt me. But I know better than that. I know James better than that. I know that he would walk away instead of hurting me. But somehow all that fear clouded my mind and didnt let me see that. All I saw was me being alone and just how much that terrifies me.

My worst fear in life is being alone (and birds lol) and sometimes I see that coming true and it scares me. I see a 5 year relationship that sometimes seems like it will never be what I want it to be and that scares me into thinking that I will be left standing alone in the end. I get in that rut and it makes me angry. Angry at myself, angry at James, and angry at God for making me wait... and that I know is very dangerous. I know that I have to trust that God will make my dreams come true in his timing. But I find myself asking God for some relief... something to say that he hasn't forgotten me. Something to say that he isn't going to let my worst fear come true. Something that says that my desire to be a wife and mother wont go unnoticed.

I have to constantly remind myself... Gods got this. He hasnt nor will he ever forget me. And in his timing... my dreams will come true.

SOO after my long explanation... my intention is to apologize for assuming the worst of an incredible person because of hurt and fear caused by someone else. And I have no idea if anyone else reads this... but by posting what I did, I caused whoever read to think of him as the bad guy. I did what I do best... bury what I feel and vent about it some other way. I have GOT to work on that... its not good. I have to realize that its ok to tell people whats going on with me without the fear that they will leave me alone.