Voice

The new was unexpected. Unsettling. And followed by tears of…relief? I climbed into my car, fastened the seatbelt, and wiped away the tears. Why am I relieved by difficult news? I wondered.

As my the words ran through my mind, so did a surprising phrase: I’m not crazy. The relief, I recognized, was founded in the truth that the truth was revealed.

When did I start believing I was crazy? I recalled the thoughts and fears I had had prior. As I did, familiar accusations ran through my mind: You’re such a wimp. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re crazy. Ah, there it was, the lie that had slithered unbidden into my mind and nested there.

I’ve spent many of my adult years uncoiling the lies I’ve believed about myself. Venomous lies that poisoned my mind following a dozen years of experiencing things a child never should: You’re worthless. No one will ever love you. And the heartbreaker… God doesn’t care.

I’m not the only one who has believed the lies, right?

You don’t have to go through terrible things to believe lies. I think they’re part of the human condition. And women seem especially susceptible, although not limited to. Perhaps that susceptibility is an imprint of the fall when Eve believed that first untruth the serpent hissed at her in the garden.

But good news comes with the truth. Not our truth. But the Truth — Jesus Christ.

The Bible says, “Therefore, there is therefor now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…” (Romans 8:1). In other words, when condemning accusations coil around my mind, I know — I can be fully assured — they’re not from God. And if they’re not from God, they’re not worth believing.

I’m learning to combat the lies by submitting them to the Truth, Jesus.

When the enemy says, “You’re worthless.”

Jesus says, “You are a pearl of great value.”

When the enemy says, “No one will ever love you.”

Jesus says, “You are My beloved.”

When the enemy says, “God doesn’t care.”

Jesus says, “I gave my life that you might have eternal life.”

After my appointment with my counselor, I recognized I’d fallen prey to the lies again, another thought went through my mind: You’ll never get it right. Good grief! Satans darts came at me like a war zone! I no more than got in my car that he was telling me: You are crazy... you wouldn't need a shrink if you weren't.

This time, I had to laugh. I was aware of the crafty serpent and wasn’t falling for another lie. Instead, I turned to Jesus and thanked Him for the freedom found in Him, the Truth.

Anyone who has spent 15 years trying to forget things they saw and endured as a child... those things are bound to come back to you to haunt you as an adult. I had NO CLUE... how mine would come back to me. It came back in a very painful way. A person who never did a thing to stop someone from hurting me... was wanting to talk to me?? Just hearing her voice on that voicemail brought back so many things I had buried and never told a soul. And it rocked my world! I failed a test the next morning because I was so distracted. I had no idea how to deal with 15 years of fear and just plain hatred towards a man that was dead. Up to this point I buried it and forgot about it. But now... that ugly part of my life was creeping back.

In talking with a WONDERFUL Godly counselor in the past 3 weeks that I have seen off and on for 4 years... I have seen that I am not a defected model of a human being. Even though Ive felt tainted because of my past... I am not broken! God put me together and I am fearfully and WONDERFULLY made in his image! And just because I needed help from someone who doesn't know me personally... doesn't make me less of a person. SO what!! I am a strong, independent, and successful young woman!!! And I WILL not let anything that happened to me as a kid affect that! A man who should have been a safe harbor for me... abused that privilege. But I WILL not let that define me! I just hope and pray he made it right with his maker before he died. I wouldn't wish hell on him for nothing.

While the enemy will continue to try and thwart God’s truth, I know he’s already lost the battle. It’s a done deal. In Genesis 3 we read that the head of the serpent will be crushed under Jesus’ heel, defeating him for all time. He holds no real power over us.

The longer we walk with Jesus, and the more we seek His truth, the more we’ll recognize His voice and enjoy the freedom found in Him. It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. (Galatians 5:1)

Father God, I pray that I’ll recognize Your voice above all others. Give me ears to hear You. Teach me how to live in the freedom of Your truth and thank You for the gift of Your grace. Thank you for rescuing me and helping me pick up the fragments of my broken past and put them together into a beautiful future!