Lately

Lately I have been struggling. And Ill admit that Ive taken a step forward, a step backward, a step forward and then another step backward. BUT at least Im still standing. Ive really been struggling... I haven't posted because I dont want to sound like I am whining. But I just want to scream some days! Its so hard to see status changes and pictures come up of someone I went to high school with or someone Ive met since then getting thier dreams unlocked. Its been really hard to watch a young girl meet a guy and 3 months later marrying him. Its been tough. Ive been alone alot lately, Ive cried alot lately.... I questioned myself, my relationship, and God lately. Ive questioned everything... Why me. Why do I have to wait? What did THEY do to deserve getting what I want? why Why WHY!!!!! Why is my loife standing still and others are moving forward!!!

I dont have the answers... All I keep hearing is, "In my time child... its coming dont give up hope" And that is such a bitter pill for me to swallow. I have been mad at me, mad at James, mad at God, mad at everyone! Its been a battle. Being alone has left me and my crazy brain to itself and my o my... what lies Satan will tell you when you are down!!! He will try to convinve you that you are nothing. Fill you with fear that will cripple you. Use everything he can to destroy you. But HE WILL NOT DESTROY ME!! One day Gods plan will prevail! One day the wait will be over! One day my journey will change!!

Ive learned that in talking to friends... I am more patient than I give myself credit for. Doesn't stop me from wanting to do my famous foot stomp and walk away and pout... but I really am trying. I want to be standing when my time comes knowing that I waited! Im by no means patient like Job, but I do know Ive worn the pages of Job out in the last 3 months haha. I can barely read Psalms 62:2 anymore because Ive about cried the words off the page! Im proud of myself that even though my friends and family tell me to cut my losses and walk away... I know what I want and I know that God has something in the works... I can hardly fathom!!