Strength

I know I am blessed. It is so hard to stand up and say it and post it when I am in my valley. I am struggling so hard and the devil has me so discouraged and it seems that everyone is posting... I AM BLESSED. And like I said, I know deep deep down that I am so incredibly blessed, I could be in Japan right now. But I am so defeated. I am so alone. My parents are mad at me. James has no time for us. School and work are kicking my butt. After a wonderful service last night, before I even got out the door, he was back in my face with James being busy every Saturday till apparently October.

I try and try to cry alone and put my smile back on of the mornings and when the phone rings I try and put it in my voice. But I cant anymore. I am so discouraged, distracted, and depressed. I am left alone wondering when is it my time to get time. If not now... when??? I know that I have to get this off my chest, and I hate TELLING people how I feel. I can write it down for days, but to actually TELL someone... is nerve wracking. I think its for 2 reasons. #1 I was raised that my opinions and feelings did not matter whatsoever. I was scolded for having a voice. And #2.... I am absolutely terrified that what I am feeling, if I tell him, he will run away. I am afraid of what he will say. I am afraid that deep down he really doesn't want to be with me and thats why we never see each other except to eat and run. I am afraid that because I need more, he will be upset with me because he likes that were are independent of each other. I am afraid that because I need him more than I did when we first met, will push him away. I am afraid that if I tell him that I want a commitment of some kind... it will scare him and he will run away because Cindy told me thats what happened to him and another girl he was with. I know most of these feelings are completely irrational... but the are real to me. I know this is something that were going to have to work out because its killing me... slowly but surely killing me. I want to feel alive again. I know I have to get over this fear of telling people how I feel... and its about time... Lord give me strength....