I'm a list maker. At my house you'll see a magnetic notepad on my refrigerator where I keep a running grocery list. By my bedside is a notepad for jotting down writing ideas. I have a notebook where I keep a daily to-do list and a long-term to-do list. And of course the best part of a list is checking something off when completed!
For years I kept another list. It wasn't written down. Instead it was a mental running list I didn't even realize I was keeping, until I experienced a perspective-shifting situation.
After I graduated high school I went through a depression. It wasn't just the blues. Funny thing is I had everything I wanted. Days and days of crying, anxiety and no sleep and acting like nothing was wrong when I got in front of people. I had just met the love of my life, moved out of my parents house, met my now best friend, but inside I was completely overwhelmed with everything.
Finally, I called a therapist. Meanwhile, I had to figure out how to get through each day. I never told anyone that I was going to talk to someone, I was embarrassed. I was always the strong one... I should be able to handle this. . I wasn't close to anyone in my church and so I sought out help. I am not ashamed to admit that I had to call on the help of someone. Thankfully God sent me to a Christian counselor and she helped me get a hold of what I was experiencing.
Every morning I woke up early, prayed, and begged God to take the depression away. But the depression didn't go away. In fact it deepened as I listened to the lies depression shouted: You're a failure. What's wrong with you? Why can't you do this? Other people go through much harder things and you can't even do this.
One day when I just got sick and tired of being in such a miserable state, I yelled at God, What is this about, God? You're God. You could make this depression go away with the snap of Your fingers if You wanted to. Why won't You?
Finally, I was just still. As I sat there, I realized God wanted me to learn a life-changing truth. I had kept a mental running list of all the reasons God couldn't love me. I wasn't a good enough daighter, a good enough Christian, and certainly not a good enough woman that James deserved. When I was struggling with depression, I didn't feel like a good anything. So I sure didn't believe God loved me unconditionally. I believed God loved me – but I believed He'd love me more if I could get my act together.
I kept a running list of the reasons I mistakenly thought disqualified me from God's unconditional love. Maybe like me you don't feel good enough at anything or you've struggled with depression. Maybe you have a thoughts that makes you feel ashamed.
When I gave God my list of reasons why He couldn't love me, I finally heard God's gentle answer in reply. Well, it's a good thing My love doesn't depend on you, My child. It's a good thing My love doesn't depend on you.
You can scratch all those reasons off the list. In fact you can tear up the list. I did that when I died on the cross for you.
When I realized that Gods love didn't depend on me... that it was unconditional- I was ready for a change. I was ready to stop beating myself up for my flaws, shortcomings, or sins. God is not keeping a list of my mistakes, and I don't need to either. I tore up my mental list and wont't start a new one. Ive chosen to believe today God loves me. There is nothing I can do or not do to change His love for me.
By realizing that God loves me unconditionally, Ive learned to let others love me unconditionally!
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