My hearts crying out... I need you now....

I sat at the alter today at the church. Alone. I dont want to sound like a broken record.... but I left my patience and understanding somewhere. The devil knows exactly how to get the best of me. I sat and cried out to God, " I just dont understand!!! WHY cant I understand??? Why can't I be content? Why do I have to wait? Whats the hold up... why Why WHY!!!!!" **Crosses arms and stomps foot (the 2 year old in me comes out... and my family still laughs at me for doing that as a kid and as a 22 year old haha)**

I dont have an answer.... I am praying. I know God heard me. I know he knows my hearts desire. I know he has the answer. I have faith that he earnestly care about how much I want this... but for now... Silence.

God, I know your there. I know you hear me. Your the air I breathe, you are the ground beneath me. I know you there.... I feel you by my side. For now you have chosen to not give me an answer. I ask for your grace, I feel like I am loosing it. I am lonely, depressed, and feel ridiculous for feeling this way. I am so blessed to have James, and I know that I need to be thankful for the time that I have with him. But any time I get with him, just makes me want more... I guess thats love for ya... I just want to be near him. I dont want us to be up in each others business all the time ha ha. I just want to know that someone that cares about me is close enough for me to get to, not 30 min away. I want everything to come together. I know you have a perfect plan, much more perfect than anything I could fathom.

I need grace to help me wait. I dont want to become impatient like my best friend did and ruin it. Ha ha Ill never forget the day I came home and Vikki met me at the door and with a little quivering lip, "I ruined my engagement!!" Ha ha we sat on the couch and she cried for an hour with her head in my lap. Very traumatic for us hopeless romantics... Ha ha those were the days. I miss living with her. Vik and I went through a LOT together!!! I had a hard time with her getting married... everything changed. It was easy to not think about wanting the company of the one I love when Vik and I lived together, because she was like family and we were ALWAYS together! Then she moved away and got married, and I realized just how much that presence is needed. I feel empty because I am alone so much. Thats one of the reasons why I run around with Cindy so much... so I dont have to be alone. James always talks about how much he likes being alone... he would feel different if he was ALWAYS alone. No one in the house, and no one to watch tv with, study with, talk to, laugh with... be with.... an empty apartment and 3 cats. I dont have family here and James is the closest thing I have to family here. I guess that is why I desire being with him so much.... that and I just love him to pieces. ha ha

But as I said, I dont want to get so impatient that I ruin my time... whenever that is. Lord I just need A LOT of grace to wait... because my hope tank is almost empty :'(