Lord I need you tonight,,,

Shew... the devil is certainly on my back tonight. I was so hoping that with a crowded pew that he would sit with me. But no. Ive watched all week as Bo came to sit with Cindy and just how happy that made Cindy. Ive seen 2 of our teens this week with their girlfriends and boyfriends. And I usually am ok with it (or at least I try to be)... not this week. Im not sure why its bothered me this week, but it has. I know hes told me why and I guess I understand and I have to respect it even though I dont like it... but it doesn't stop me from wanting him by my side occasionally. O well... guess Ill have to take Cindy... haha

I guess things all getting to me because I have been by myself all week. Ive went to school, work, and church, and then home to sit alone. (aside from Monday night, which was GREAT) I just want someone to talk to when I come home, someone to relax with. I want to come home to SOMEONE! I dont like coming home simply because it reminds me that I will be by myself because Sarah has worked all week and now she is out of town for the weekend. I guess I want someone I can de-stress with and spend time with. Im just tired of the pain of being alone. I dont understand, I know that I dont like this place I am in... I am in need of change (and I dont even like change!!) and forward movement and not the stagnation of standing still. I need some excitement and not same ole same ole...

I need to quit whining I suppose ... I am so incredibly blessed and have no reason to complain. But my human nature is wanting something more... but I have to keep telling myself (and I now have tears spilling on to the keys as I type) I have to keep telling myself that in HIS timing. In HIS timing I will have the desire of my heart. In HIS timing moving forward will FINALLY come... and I wont feel hopeless.

But tonight as I type, I am weak and I truly feel hopeless.I feel like it isnt a priority or really even a half a thought in his mind. I feel like he doesn't want more. I am sad. I am envious of others who got what I want this week... I want to be happy for my friends, but I feel like I have had it rubbed in my face till the point that I am sick of it. I am ashamed at my humanity and the weak spot I am in because I want something so bad. Ive learned that when you want something so bad, it consumes you. But I wonder how long you want before you give up? I should be stronger. I should be able to understand that I have to wait patiently in line...so why am I struggling so badly tonight???

Please dont misread me and think that I am naive enough to believe that it will solve everything and I will never want for anything in life and it wont be filled with up and downs- because that couldn't be further from the truth. What I do feel is that I need security that what I want is what he wants. I miss coming home to a family. I love my parents dearly, but we have all realized that we couldn't live together because we have differing opinions to the point that we fight. But as I talked with a young girl today about her holding on to the only family that shes known, I realized just how much I miss coming home to a family and having someone to spend the evening with other than empty walls and cats. I know that I cant move back in with my parents, so my desire to be with someone I love and that loves me to start a life with. I am not made to be alone.

I am glad that my humanity does not change the fact that I love that man so much more that he will ever know. I want him to be the one to fill in these empty gaps in my life, and I need him in those empty places. I could not have asked for more in a man. I want to be the woman that he wants and that God would have me to be. I want the chance to be a Biblical wife and raise children in church and start my own family. And I am trying my best to not get ahead of myself. I do know that I need some security to give me some hope. I haven't given up... I have wanted to, but that love that is part of me wont let me. I am praying that the Lord gives me strength because I am loosing my grip on my patience... as evidenced by this post and the storm raging inside me. Lord I need you tonight....