What hes brought me from

There is a part of a song that we sing in choir sometimes that every time I hear it my heart swells with joy! Its a song called "So much to thank him for."

When it comes to the part, " When I think of what hes done, and where hes brought me from, Ive got so much to thank him for!" I cant help but quickly glance back at my past when we are singing this. I understand that everyone looks at me as, "sweet little Crystal." So Ive been told. But I know the difference. I know that I am a little rough around the edges. I know what I used to be.

The things that God has brought me from is amazing! I never drank and I only tried pot once. But I was still a rotten person. I did so many things that I should have gotten in trouble for. I had the mouth of a sailor and the heart of a rock. I was so mad and bitter about the things I endured as a child, that I really just cut myself off so I didn't have to feel anything.

As a child I saw my parents fight constantly, I saw my dad shove my mom to the floor during an argument, I saw my the man that was my biological great grandfather (I never acknowledged him as that though for reasons I'll explain later.) But, I saw him hold a gun to my dads head while my dad was on his knees with me watching. I sat behind a door in the bedroom on the phone with 911 as my little 7 year old heart cried out to God for help. And he showed up and made the gun not fire. I saw my parents separate and I saw God put them back together.

The man who was my "grandfather" who again I only knew as Earl because I hated him. He kept me for my parents sometimes and I never would tell my parents what he did to me. I was too ashamed. And sometimes I still am because I have never told anyone. Not until now. The only thing my parents saw is when he said that he was disciplining me when I came home with bruises on my back from a belt. The physical, mental, and sexual abuse he put me through was not fair to a 7, 8 , and 9 year old. He tried to kidnap me when I was in the 1st grade, but a teacher realized what was going on and got me off the playground. I never told my parents because I knew that my dad would kill him. I never will. Earl died 10 years ago, and I hope he made it right with God.

I see what my Father has brought me from. Because of the things I saw growing up, I turned into an ugly person. I treated everyone the way I had been treated. I did everything I could to not feel the pain. I wanted nothing to do with God because he let those things happen to me when I couldn't defend myself. I was angry for years. I was sneaky and did things that I should have been busted for. I was a wreck. Deep down I was a hurting young girl who just wanted someone to know the pain I felt. I wanted someone to calm my fears. I was a hurting scared little girl.

But as I have grown, I have forgiven Earl. I had to learn to forgive him for robbing me of a normal childhood. I understand that God was right by my side making sure I was ok. I was terrified to be alone for a long time because I was afraid that he was going to try and take me again. I guess that is why as an adult I am afraid to be alone and leave work and places after dark. I


BUT ANYWAY... to put a reason behind posting all this... I am not perfect. I have issues. I have security issues. I still am scared sometimes. For the longest time I would flinch when a man touched me. I would wake up screaming because I would see his face. But God has brought me from so much! He has healed my heart. I am no longer angry. Ive learned by God giving me James that not all men are bad. I have forgiven a man who robbed me for many years of my joy. I thank God every day because it could have been so much worse. He could have raped me, he could have done much worse things to me. It doesn't excuse what he did do to me, but... because the Lord forgave me I had to learn to forgive Earl. I had to learn that I could not hide behind the hurt with anger. I had to learn to deal with it in a constructive way instead of self destructive.

Every time I hear that song, I am reminded of what he brought me from and what he is changing me to be! I have learned forgiveness and security in my Savior. The Lord sent me James to be my earthly hero. I like a close friend of mine, hated men. I felt they were all alike. But he sent me James to prove me wrong and to show me that there was a man in this world who would love me the way that I should be loved... with respect. He sent me my best friend to love. James will never know just how he changed my life! I am so blessed to have him and I love him with my whole heart! I am so thankful for what God has brought me from.

I have been burdened lately to share my testimony because so many people dont understand. I have heard several people in the last month refer to me as, "sweet little Crystal." And I want people to understand that its God... because #1 Im not always sweet... like I said earlier.. Im still rough around the edges.. human. And #2... its because of where he brought me from is why I am the way I am. We have testimonies for a reason... to share what God has done for us!! Thank you Lord for deliverance!

I think this is my first step... being ok with sharing these things. Ive always felt like if I told James or my parents or anyone for that matter , they might not love me. Ive always felt like damaged goods because of the things Ive seen and done. But God doesn't see me that way. He sees me as beautiful and I know that he loves me in spite of me.