NO GAMES!

Games. I dont want to play games!! Ive had a couple friends here lately tell me that I need to make James jealous. For whatever reason they think that if I make him jealous he will commit. Well I hate to break it to em'... Im not going to play games with him. In my mind that would drive him away from me. I dont want to live my life knowing that I played games with the man I love more than anything to make him make a decision hes not ready for. I want him to make that decision because he is ready. Im not going to push or try to trick him into anything.

I want to be the one when it does come my way that knows that I waited. Im trying to wait patiently because impatience has made some ugly spots in my life. Im not gonna lie. Its hard to watch my friends get engaged and then married... and all that stuff. But I know that in time... it will be my turn. I am trying sooooo unbelievably hard to wait. It seems like Im ALWAYS the one who has to wait. I have to wait to graduate, I have to wait for my time with James (which sometimes I dont do so well with) I have to wait for my parents to understand... ok so I know I sound pathetic... but patience is apparently not my strong suit. (along with hot dog roasting :P)

I have had to dig down and find a part of me that sometimes I'm not sure even exists. I have had to find a part of me to be patient and understanding. I could not enjoy the process of my best friend getting married last year because of well I'm just gonna say it... jealousy.

I hate that when I get on facebook and see that someone else I know is engaged that I get a little sour. I hate that 2 weeks ago I was in a restaurant alone on a Friday night and from my table in the corner I saw a guy propose. I hate that I was in the mall getting my jewelry cleaned and I had a guy ask me my opinion on a ring for his soon to be fiance'. And I hate that the dominant question that I get from my patients is are you married. And of course when you say no, they ask if you have a bf and then they ask how long and all that stuff... and I hate the answer... "wow... 4 years... guess hes never gonna marry you." Why do I let this stuff bother me... well because I start to believe them. I hate that on the outside I am trying soooo hard to force a smile... but on the inside my insidious impatience is fighting everything I have to not scream... "WHEN IS IT MY TURN!!"

But I have decided that I HAVE to be patient. I have to stick it out because I love that man more than he could ever know. He makes me smile when no one else can. He knows me better than anyone. I love how I catch him looking at me from the corner of his eyes. I love how my hand feels in his. I love that when I am in his arms... nothing... no one matters anymore. I love that his heart is so kind. I love that he loves me in spite of me. I love that he works hard. I love that he is smart. I love that I can get lost in his eyes.

And while waiting is hard and at times I wonder why I have to wait... its worth it. Because I know in the end, whenever that is... I will be able to stand and I say that I waited and I know that my joy will be so much sweeter. I want him to make that decision because he wants to and not because I tricked him. Things always mean more once you have waited for them. I just hope I dont have to wait 7 years like that couple a preacher talked about last new years :) heck were halfway there :P