Reflection

I always do this every year when another birthday comes and goes. 365 days seems like a long time... but when you sit and try to think of everything that happened it suddenly seems like a blink. There is a song out now on the radio called blink... totally defines how I feel about the last year.

So what did a year of being 21 bring to me??

Probably the hardest year financially. There were times when I didn't know if I would have the money to pay my rent, put gas in the tank, or after all that was paid for... if I had enough to buy groceries. But the Lord always brought me the money somehow. I look at the $7.25/hr I made at the CPA vs. the $10.50 I make now... and I wonder how I made it. No Im not a millionaire, but the Lord has greatly blessed me and has made it so that my struggles aren't so bad. I know that money will always be an issue to worry about. You cant be married and have kids and not have money issues... its just part of life. James and I were talking a while back about monetary worries... I am concerned about the future about whether or not I will be able to help provide for my family, but after what I have went through in the last year... I dont really worry about it. The Lord proved to me time and time again just how much he can do. Its like the woman with the oil and wheat... He took a little and made enough. Just like he did with me... he took a few dollars and paid all my bills and I never went hungry!!!

21 brought a new thing to me... depression and anxiety. Not many have know about it... but I have been in some dark places this last year. I am still struggling... and some days I dont even get out of bed because I dont want to deal with it... but the Lord is molding me and helping me cope and get better one day at a time!

21 brought a new job. I was so miserable at the CPA. I was short-changed on what I was capable of doing. But the Lord opened up a window for a job that not only changed my whole financial situation, but became on of the most rewarding things I could ever imagine. I am able to be a bright spot in sick peoples lives. I have the honor and privilege of talking to some of the most wise people ever. Most of my patients are just old story books just waiting on the shelf to be opened up and read. They have some of the greatest stories to tell. I have prayed with patients, cried with patients, given cpr, and then cried when the patient made it. Ive had nurses treat me like dirt and others give me the encouragement that I need to keep on chasing my dream to be a nurse. I have learned how to be a caregiver... not just someone doing my job. Its not the medicine, the tubes, and needles... its the little things like a blanket and a pepsi that make people happy. There have been days that I have sat and wondered if Nursing is where I belong... but every day when I walk out of those doors, I leave with the satisfaction that I get to help people who can not help themselves. And that makes getting up every morning worth it.

21 brought a year of trying to figure out how to get by without my best friend here. It was rough going from living with your best friend for 3 years to living with a stranger. I had to grasp the fact that my best friend was now a married woman and I had to share her. Vik and I went through alot together. We grew up alot in the 3 years that we lived together. We taught each other so much and we changed each other more than we could have dreamt. When someone is an every day part of your life for so long, its hard to adjust. Im sure Ive driven James nuts by being so lonely... and worrying about coming home late. Vikki and I were always there to make sure eachother was ok. Now, I dont have that.

21 brought another year of me falling further in love with a man that sometimes I cant believe that I get to love. I looked back at some old journals that I wrote and Ive know since the beginning that I loved him, but this last year... I have gained a type of unconditional love for that man. At the beginning of the year, I was so frustrated because we never saw each other other than church and I had a hard time with it. I felt like I was the least of his priorities. I never would have said anything, because that is just how I am. I bury those things. But I guess a little birdie told him, because the last 6 month have been blissful. I began to feel again what I felt those first 6 months. BUTTERFLIES!!! I dont ever want to loose the feeling of having my heart jump when we touch. I love that God forms 2 hands to match. I love that when I am in his arms... I feel safe... I am safe. I feel like I can do anything with him by my side. God gave him to me and I never want to take him for granted!

21 also brought me ALOT of impatience with life. All of my friends graduated college and got married and some have had kids... its been rough because those have been the things in life that I have always wanted. Ive had a hard time with all the people getting married. Ive lived vicariously through facebook wedding pictures which eventually make me jealous and then I know its time to put the computer down. Its hard when every time you log on and see someone else is engaged, especially the ones who date for like 2 years.... I know its silly to feel this way. I remember when I was a kid I always wanted to play wedding.. haha it makes me giggle to think about myself. My grandmother would always make me a veil out of paper towels. She would put make up on me and pick me some flowers so I could play wedding. Gosh I wish she was still here to see me get married one day. Im not ready to get married just yet... BUT I will say that as much as I love James... I am getting impatient for some commitment. I am typically a patient person... but this one has been the one that broke the mold. I let my bad attitude ruin the happiest time of my best friends life. I couldn't be happy for her because I was so jealous of her. I am embarrassed to admit it... but it almost ruined our friendship.

Im trying so hard to be more patient with him... but its hard every day when a patient asks you... " SO... are you married?" and it brings up all the feelings of being impatient. So I always tell my patients no but I have a boyfriend AND THEN they ask well how long. I tell them 4 years in September... then the remarks start... sigh... as James says about a lot of stuff... One of these days. I am so sick of saying one of these days about a lot of things! Guess I need to try harder to be patient huh?!?!

21 was a good year... alot of growing and learning curves for me... Im excited about what 22 has for me.

Here is a couple pics of the beginning of 22...




James sent me flowers!! I got them about 2 hours before he surprised me by showing up to take me to dinner!!!






















My sweetie lighting my birthday cake!! I appreciate how good he is to me... some men wouldn't have taken the time to do all he did for me on my birthday... but he did!! I love that man with all my heart!!!