Realization, reflection, and acceptance

Realization, reflection, and acceptance... that is what this past easter weekend was for me. I went to the Lamplight theatre on Friday night and seen "Friend of siners." I had seen the same play last year. But this year... I took my broken self into the theatre. The whole time I was sitting there I kept thinking, "WOW... this Jesus guy WAS really a real man. Not just some character in this book I haven't been reading in a while."

I admit it... I have been a sorry excuse for a Christian in the last 6 months to a year. My prayer life dwindled, my Bible sat in my car from service to service, my actions and my words were not what a Christian looks like. And what did I have to show for my rebellion... a broken life. A life that was covered by a facade, a mask... an act. I am ashamed to admit it. I have been a miserable person. I kept trying to write... and I could come up with my usual devotions... but they were just words... no passion behind them. As I would post soemthing... I didn't get the feeling that I usually do... satisfaction that I had written my best for the Lord.

I kept watching the play as scenes I have heard and read about all my 15 years in church... became real. It became truth. I watched as Judas betrayed Jesus and as Peter denied him. The actor who played Jesus had a look on his face as these scenes unfolded before me... I couldn't help feeling like I was in the very garden when he was betrayed and looking at his face. What pain Judas and Peter must have brought to Christ. I have been doing the same thing. I have been the reason that some people dont want to go to church. I have been the 3 times a week church goer, but my attitude and my actions have been, well... rotten.

I have had opportunity after opportunity to display the love of God in times of frustration with my co-workers... but did I offer compassion. No... I offered misery. I have missed witnessing opportunities... but what did I do... passed them up for a change of topic. I have had chances to share what God has done for me... what didn I do... shared my complaints and how many things were wrong in my life.

As I continued to watch as they tried Jesus, the pain and sadness in his face... that was caused by ME! He was enduring MY punishment. He was taking MY beating. MY stripes. He carried MY cross... a heavy cross. I think back to Sunday night as James and I moved the pulpit back... I could hardley help him move it because it was so heavy... how could I have carried MY cross?!?! He died MY death!! As I watched the actor "die," and his followers watched and cried... I felt so helpless. In that moment I was at the foot of the cross as he died... wanting so bad to stop his suffering... that I caused.

But then as his final breath drew near, I realized something. It had to be this way. I couldn't die for me... Im not worthy enough. Even though I deserved what he endured... but my death couldn't have even saved me... much less the whole world. My blood couldn't cover any sin... couldn't make a heart clean. It became so clear to me... he didn't have to die. He could have been like us... he could have done what I would have done and said, " fend for yourself!" But he didn't!

His choice was to be compassionate and give me a chance. I was shown boldly... that chance after chance, after CHANCE I had been passing up what God wanted for me to be. Billy Wayne took the stage after the play and his words were directed right at me. He talked about returning to your first love. And yes, James is my first love in this natural body, but my first unconditional- life saving love was not given by my earthly parents.... but by my heavenly father who is both a mother and a father to me! He died for ME! But even better... he rose for ME! He could have stayed dead and been like all the other historical figures... but he set himself apart and did something that no one else could do for me... he rose on that third and final day!!

Billy Wayne extended an alter call as he sang, "My chains are gone." As I made my way down to the stage, I felt my heart pouring out all the pain and bitterness cause by my parents, all the frustration with myself, all the disapointments caused by school, all of the chains that were holding me down and making me miserable.... were released. I was truly set free from what I used to be. The chains that I was letting define me...were unlocked and thrown to the depths of the sea. I have been saved for 13 years... but in the last 4, I have let so many things tie me down. But I am free because of what Jesus did for me!

I was able to worship Saturday morning in my run, I was able to worship Sunday morning, I am able to rise with a smile every morning even through exauhstion... I am able to rise with a song in my heart... I am blessed... I am FREE! I am free of my past... those skeletons in my close thay only I know about... GONE. What I used to be no longer defines me. What I am today is who I am... Gods daughter! I had to realize that God loves me, reflect on it, and accept that he could love me... as unworthy as I am... he loves me!