Seeking God

I have never realized just how much I love water until today. I have really been struggling lately. With what you ask... what haven't I struggled with. From school to work, to church, to family, friends, and myself. I have just been really depressed. I feel like I have had to wind myself up every morning to get through the day. Sort of going through the motions.

I had a patient on Tuesday that has truly not left my mind. She is 15 and has spinal chord cancer. She can not receive any more Chemo and her parent are just not accepting that she is terminal and she has no clue how sick she is. She coded in my arms when I took her up for a LP. We were able to get her back, but I was so torn up that I threw up twice and have just been upset since.

I went to the lake after I left the hospital and got some things straight. But I had to go back today. I just have so much on my heart and mind that I felt like I was going to burst. It will be 3 years on the 11th since I lost my grandmother. Im not sure why, but I feel like I am just now feeling the hurt to the fullest. Yes, I have missed her terribly since then, but lately I just miss her so much that all I can do is cry. I feel like everything is flipped upside down inside.

But when I went to the water today, I sought God. I went looking for peace, assurance, calmness, healing, and joy. I found them today. I don't know if anyone has ever felt all alone when your surrounded by people and that God is a million miles away. But I sure have. But God came and sat down with my broken heart today. I sat by the water and cried and just curled up in the arms of my savior.

Sure things in my life feel like a hurricane in the middle of everything. I still miss my grandmother. I still struggle with school so much that sometimes I feel like quitting... and many more things... but I will praise him in this storm!!