Broken

This week has brought me sadness. A person who I thought was a friend... has truly shown me that sometimes your friends are going to turn their backs on you. My best friend who I lived with for three years, and went through an incredible amount of change with... has changed. She moved to knoxville and is living with her soon to be husband. She was in Europe at the beginning of the summer when things in my life were shaken. She wasn't able to talk to me. So now, that she is back, she is expecting me to be the same person. I changed alot over the summer. And I know I shouldn't be, but I am somewhat bitter and calloused. She has had everything handed to her on a silver platter and never has had to work for anything in her life.

I was supposed to be her maid of honor, and because I cant afford to throw her a party and I cant be there for every little detail, she removed me as MOH. That hurt because that place in your wedding is for your best friend. She told me when she asked me to be the MOH that she thought of me as a sister and a best friend. But apparently she lied to me. I got my dress on Wednesday and called to tell her and she got mad at me because I cant be at any of the parties because of school and work. So she told me that I could sell my dress to one of the other bridesmaids that was a late add because she wasn't going to be able to find a dress in time. So... here I am wondering where my friend went. Was she my friend because I took care of her, Or was she my friend because she truly cared for me as a friend. I don't know but I am sad. Her latest drama is she called me last night for some money that I owe her. I told her that I would give it to her on the 1st of November because I dont have it right now because I had to finish paying for my dress. But she got mad so, I had to call my mom and borrow the money from her so that I still have money for gas and groceries...

Im irritated because people are saying shame on me for even being her friend because she has repeatedly done this to me over and over. But I cant help that Ive tried to be the good friend. I'm a very forgiving person and usually don't let my hurt feelings affect whether I am someones friend or not. Ive had multiple people tell me that they don't "feel sorry for me" and "shame on me for letting her do it again." I am not asking for someone to pity me, and maybe it is my fault for not cutting her off and saying the heck with it. I just want someone to say that its ok and that they are still there for me... because right now I feel lonely and that there is no one there to be a companion. All I was trying to do was be a good friend... why should I be criticized for that?!? Should I throw my hands up and wave the white flag?

But as I read this morning... Ive realized...

Regardless of the road I travel—Lonely Lane, Brokenhearted Boulevard, or Poverty Parkway—there's no place I can go that God can't follow. No heartbreak, no betrayal, no rejection, no failure, no disappointment, and no evil can stop Him from coming near. God will always come for His people. He cannot fail me. He will never quit on me , never forget me, and never leave me. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

But despite my reading and understanding... I am still hurting... still lonely... still questioning everything... still wondering... still waiting... still looking for someone to see that I need them... still hiding everything I feel from everyone I know.

Father God, my heart is broken. I hurt deeply. Come and save me. Comfort my spirit and strengthen me so that I may endure. Be my shelter until my storm has passed.