Hindsight

Birthdays always give me a chance to reflect on time gone by. I look at my life over the last 5 years and I can’t believe just how much has gone on. Just in the last 3 my life has changed so dramatically.

I lost the woman who made me the woman I am today in October 2006. My great grandmother raised me because my mom didn't know how. Sure my mom has influenced me and been there, but my granny was the one who gave me my values. She would sit for hours with me and sometimes never say a word and teach me more than any text book or lecture. She taught me about life, hope, and love; all while stringing and breaking beans on the front porch. When no one else in the family believed in life, hope, and love... she did until the day she passed. She made me the "domesticated" woman I am too. Ha ha... she was as big of a clean freak as I am. She didn't care to tell you the truth even if it hurt. She was brutal and tender all at the same time. When it came time to punish us kids, I truly think it hurt her more than it ever did us, but she knew if she didn't we would "rule the roost" as she always said ha ha. She always would tell me that she was praying that God would send me a man to take care of me and love me for me and love God more. I wish she would have gotten to meet James. She would have loved him. I just got teary-eyed as I thought about her meeting him. She would have absolutely loved him! She loved to poke fun and laugh as much as I do, and James would have loved her! I’m sure of it because I am just like her ha-ha. I have often said and will always say, if it had not been for her, I know without a doubt that would not be the woman that I am today. And I know if I can be half the woman she was, I’ll be alright.

I moved from everything I knew 3 years ago. I wasn't specifically running from anything, just searching for something more. I went from a small town to see if there was something more. I found more, but what I have realized is that “more” is when you are somewhere where there is love and where you are happy. My “more” isn’t in Madison County anymore and I haven’t quite found that yet, but I know that somewhere, sometime… I will. I know I will have my little house in the country, and a front porch swing to sit with my husband and watch the kids play in the yard. For now, my little rented apartment is my “more.” Last night after my parents left, and James and I were sitting on my couch, I knew he had to leave but I really didn’t want him to. Having him there and relaxed, was nice and made me wish for the day when he doesn’t have to leave. So I found what I left NC in search of… more and I really found that. I found love and I found… Me.
I dated a guy and got my heart broken and it affected me in a way I would have never dreamt it would. It wasn't because the fact that I didn't have him because we weren’t together long, it was the part that I thought I wasn't good enough for anyone that tore me up for so many months. I spent 6 months in a state of self loath wondering what I could do that would be good enough for anyone to love me. So 6 months later I move to Johnson City and see a guy across the church. I truthfully didn't think more than he did incredible things with a piano and had the voice of an angel. Little did I know, Gods plan was going into perfect motion right before me. I went out with him because I was curious that someone was interested in me. And the question that had been nagging at my being for six months, “Crystal, what makes you think your good enough for him." I wanted to mean something to someone so badly. I really didn't expect him to want anything to do with me after date one. But somehow, God placed him in my path. No, I didn't do everything right. In fact I did a lot of things wrong, and for the longest time I asked myself, "Am I good enough?"

But I realized last night when I had my parents and James with me, Love isn't about being good enough. I could never be good enough. I will never be as good of a daughter to deserve such wonderful parents. Sure, we have had our ups and downs in the last 3 years and yes we drive each other nuts, but I love them and I know that they only want what is best for me. Dad called me late last night and apologized for all of the stuff that has happened in the last 3 years. He told me that he expected to come to my apartment and see a hole in the wall. But he told me he was proud of me for finding a nice place and making it home. He also told me something I will never forget, “Crystal, hold on to James. I can see that he loves you and would do anything for you. I can also see that you love him and that is all I ever prayed for was for you to find a good man. And that you did. James is a good man.”

I will never be the woman that James truly deserves. He is the most kind, compassionate, loving, intelligent, handsome, Godly, considerate, WONDERFUL man I have ever met. And sometimes I back myself into this corner of what is wrong with me and how I am not good enough to be with him. But I realized last night, unconditional love makes it possible for me to be loved. In spite of me, in spite of my stubbornness, in spite of my past... God gave me his love and then some. I look at my pictures from last night, and for once the smile on my face goes all the way to the core of my being. I let myself be loved last night. That is a hard thing for me. To just let go and let someone love me. To stop being so independent and let him wrap his arms around me a love me. He hugged me when he left last night, and I have never felt more loved in my life.