All in his time

Wow... what a day yesterday. Vikki came into town and we were going to go get fitted for my bridesmaid dress and go ahead and order it. It has to be ordered by next Wednesday so that it gets here on time. Well, we go down there and they fit me and get the order form filled out and you have to put a 70% deposit down to order. When she asked me to be her maid of honor a year ago, she told me that her parents would buy my dress because they know that I cant afford it. And plus Vikki picked an almost $200 dress. I cant front that kind of money for a dress that I will never be able to wear again. If I could have it cut off and wear it again... I might be ok... but I still don't have the money to buy it. Well she got mad at me at the counter when I reminded her that they were supposed to pay for it. I walked out of the store. She tried to guilt trip me... I'm sorry, I cant put out that money for a dress when I have bills that I can barely pay as it is.

In the long run, she told me that I cant be in the wedding if I don't buy the dress. I'm at the point where even if they do pay for it... I'm not going to be in the wedding because my feelings are hurt. Not solely because my feelings are hurt but this isn't the first time she has removed me from the maid of honor position. The first time was because I cant be there for every little planning detail because I work full time and am a full time nursing student and all the planning is in Knoxville. I'm a smart girl, I can take a hint... she wants someone else as her MOH. For someone who "Is like a sister more than my own sisters -vikki" I must not be as special as I was told I was. To remove you best friend from your maid of honor position (or from the wedding party at all) because of money... is shady.

I was so upset when I got to church. Just a compilation of everything. Work is horrendous and I am praying so hard that God sends me another job along that is better. I am lonely, I crave for someone to just wrap their arms around me, let me cry, someone simply to hold me, make me feel like I am special, someone to feel like it matters that I am around, someone that makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger than me. Not just a one time thing or because they feel guilty, but because they want to. Not just knowing that I am loved... but being shown. And I don't mean materially... but simply being told or shown. I'm a simple gal... I don't need grand gestures. I just want someone by my side holding my hand and telling me it will be ok. Call me needy and you will hit the nail on the head... I need someone.

I desire security of my future. The who, what, when, where and, hows. My plans have went caput and I really am unsure if I am coming or going 90% of the time. I guess it goes back to the old saying, "Tell God your plans... give him a good laugh."

I have never been this way... but lately I crave it. I crave the closeness emotionally and physically. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm not sure why... I guess just natural human desire. Thats it... I'm just that...human. I cant defy humanity and I'm tired of trying. I'm not even sure why Ive tried to for so long.

I have a very special man in my life. I love James with all my heart. I have friends that have asked me if he is just my "church boyfriend" because we barely see each other outside of that setting. I hope I am wrong and am just being paranoid because like I said... I do love him more than anything. I just wish I would get over it and talk to him... but I have the hardest time talking to anyone... just let me write. Ughhh I am not normal...

Church was great last night! James said it the best while we were outside. "It feels good to leave and feel like Ive been to church." I love how God lines things up when we are hurting and need a touch. I was hurt so bad, and getting into that woe is me attitude and letting the devil push me around. But Steve read the scripture about how Satan knows that he has but a short time to act and he is going to while he can. I knew it was for me. The devil has been knocking on my door for 9 weeks straight. He knows exactly how and what buttons to push that are going to get me. He has made work feel unbearable, made church feel lifeless, attacked me with my parents, made me feel distant from James, made me feel lonely, worried me with bills that I cant pay, plagued me with fatigue, the list goes on and on. Basically Satan has made me miserable. But as I see, he knows he has little time to act and if he can get Gods workers deterred and depressed, he gets their mind off of what is right and things that God puts together falls apart when we as Christians drop the ball. God showed me that even though everything in my life seems to be falling apart... he is still in control.

I felt God lift a weight off of me last night. I am still lonely and crave closeness or simply to feel special. I still crave all of the things I listed earlier. Work still is seemingly unbearable and there is still a stack of bills on my desk waiting to be paid, but you know what God is good and he definitely has not lost control over my life. In his time he will deliver my hearts desires. I know that he will fill the emptiness I feel in my heart and my longing for affection,satisfy my cravings, I know that he will deliver a job or fix the one I have, he will provide the means to pay the bills or make the bills disappear, I know he will reaveal his plans for my future... all in his own time.