Shouldn't have watched a chick flick

Well, So far so good in NC this weekend! No fights,some minor nit picking from my dad... which I have decided will never stop. I just wish he would stop taking jabs at me. But O well.

Monday is my Bday. I took the whole day off... but I have nothing to do. I really want to go do something fun... but everyone else is going to be working :( My room mate is out of town. Vikki has forgotten that she was supposed to visit and hasn't called or anything. So, I guess Ill be spending the day with myself and the cat. On the flip side, my parents are coming to visit that night and take me to dinner... I hope James will go. Haven't asked him yet, but I'm sure he has to work and he will be tired after and since he is in greene co. I'm sure he will just go on there.

I really want a special birthday... I mean this is the last "exciting" birthday. Once you turn 21... what else is there? I mean at that point, its just another year older. I don't know... Ive stopped getting my hopes up for anything because I don't have to suffer through the let down. So basically Im not expecting anything unforgettable this year. yea, yea, yea, Im having a pity party. Let me tell you why:

I hung out with some friends from High school today, all were couples and only 3 of us weren't married, of which the other 2 are engaged, which in the end left me as the only one unsure of where their relationship is heading. I hate that unsure feeling. I'm too much of an OCD freak. I like to have a plan and know where things are going. And of course we watched a chick flick and here everyone sits in the arms of their significant other and I am in the bean bag alone.

My biggest fear is that Ill never have the arms of the person I love wrapped around me letting me know that everything is ok and I am ok because half of the time... Im not even sure if I am ok.... Im tired of always being strong and steady. I need to be held and let go of trying to be strong. I am a bag of emotions that I stick in the deepest part of myself so that no one sees the vulnerable side of me. The side that so desperately wants to feel needed and wanted, the part that longs for alone time away from the world, the part who wants to take walks in the park together, swing on swings, cook dinner in and watch a movie together. There is a part of me that wants to sit and listen to crickets and look up at the stars and talk forever.. heck not even talking, just sitting together and enjoying time together. There is a side of me that wants him to take my hand and let me know that he is proud of me, and let the world know that Im with him. To have an arm around me to make me feel warm and safe no matter what. To have him randomly surprise me with a call, an email, heck even a visit.

Ok, enough rambling. I guess this is why Chonda Pierce says that women should never watch romantic movies because we always look at our man and say, "You need to be more like Mel Gibson honey!!!" Gotta love Chonda... But I cant help it... Im a hopeless romantic